woven and spun

one day

2012-01-26T01:35:00.002+08:00

I have tried to convince myself to forget you but for now time is not on my side. The answer will come one day. One day. One day.

Good things come to those who wait.

beauty and suffering

2012-01-11T10:37:00.003+08:00

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected through his suffering, why would I believe God would not do the same thing with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarge by suffering . By saying "yes" when the world says "no." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in a myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of Springs. (Psalm 84:6)"

- Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

To battle boredom in the airport, picked this book up from my bookshelf and re-read it. It has spoken loudly this time. Maybe I'm one of those women who, for the longest time, hid myself from love because I didn't wanna get hurt. However, the line above says it all. Love suffers long, and unfortunately love and suffering makes one beautiful.

My prayer this 2012 is that I may never be afraid to love. Even if it means I'd get hurt, even if it means I'd be disappointed, even if it entails many lonely roads, confused signs, closed doors and bitter tears. Loving is worth it. It's worth it because I know that's what makes me human, woman, and Christ-like. When I love, I'm enjoined with Christ. I understand him, we become one. My pain becomes his pain and his light mine...and by that, I become more beautiful.

Amen.

a change of heart

2011-06-03T22:06:00.002+08:00

For the longest time, I kept on saying I enjoy being single. And I really did. I wasn't looking or waiting for someone then. However, I don't know why this month I have been entertaining thoughts of being in a relationship. I'm a late bloomer in so many areas in my life and I think the same goes to "matters of the heart."

God, please help my heart.

Go for broke...

2011-05-26T15:42:00.002+08:00

"Go for broke. Always try and do too much. Dispense with safety nets. Take a deep breath before you begin talking. Aim for the stars. Keep grinning. Be bloody-minded. Argue with the world. And don't forget that writing is as close as we get to keeping a hold on the thousand and one things - childhood, certainties, cities, doubts, dreams, instant phrases, parents, loves - that go on slipping , like sand, through our fingers."

- Salman Rushdie

Blog Shy

2011-04-05T12:03:00.007+08:00

It's been a long time, I've turned blog shy already. Thank God I'm back.

Here are the things that happened in my life for the past 5 months:

1. Enrolled at University of the Philippines Online University for Masters in Development Communication. I took two subjects last term and goodness, it was nerve-wracking! What with me taking two major subjects for my first term, truly a lot of work but yeah, I made it!

2. With my passion for writing, I joined Tianjin Plus, a magazine catering to foreigners in Tianjin. Now, I'm one of the editors (kuno!) and I'm loving it!

3. Finished my documentary for my major subject DevCom 207 Audio and Video Production. My documentary was about this Filipina who is teaching English in a Korean school here in Tianjin, China. I learned a lot from my production and I promised myself that it will never be my last production. I'm farming ideas for my next production, just for fun.

4. Visited Pinas for a month and a half. I arrived last week of December and went back here in Tianjin first week of Feb. While at home, I was always facing the computer and doing my masters project but aside from that, I enjoyed long talks with my parents. Truly priceless!

5. Visited my grandpa's brother. While in Pinas, I had this one long talk with my mom and we talked about my deceased grandpa's brother, Lolo Flor, who happens to be sick that time. The family is not well-off and needs help. The next day, me, my mom and cousin went grocery shopping and brought all the goods to Lolo Flor's house. It was a wonderful experience. Last month, Lolo Flor passed away. =(

6. This semester, I have this funny student named Jim. Jim is the kind of student who, even if his English isn't that good, would try his best to participate in class and even if his answers are wrong and funny, he'd give a good laugh about it. Well, one day in class we were talking about Chinese culture and Jim made mention of Zhongshan Zhuang, a Chinese tunic suit popularly known by foriegners as the Mao Suit. Since I don't know by that time what he meant, I joked that maybe he can wear it to class next time. It was just a joke but Jim took it seriously. The next week, he wore Zhongshan Zhuang! And what's more touching is that he ordered it online and bought it for more than a hundred CNY, which is not cheap! I felt sorry for Jim but as a teacher, I just felt so inspired. It's like a whole new zest in teaching was given to me. So, thank you, Jim!

7. I have always been vocal about my faith yet its not something that I force on people or let's just say I'm not the preachy type. Yet when you read my older posts you'd realize that I write about it a lot. The past months I felt like I've been too comfortable with where I am. Yes, I've been busy but with that I have depended so much on my own strength and not on God. The past weeks, I found myself going to bed and talking to God through my tears. I know that I have drifted and I miss what we used to have. And God's grace was and is sufficient. I love Him more for that.

8. One Sunday on our Bible Study, a friend brought in a woman who cried so hard because she felt the pains of divorce. Her husband left her for a younger woman and she feels devastated. We prayed for her. After our prayer, her eyes had a different sparkle. Must be the love of God. Father, let your love fill her. =)

9. It's now Springtime yet many times it doesnt feel like it. There are days that I have to wear my winter jacket out. Anyway, I'm just excited for spring and summer and so two days of retiring at home due to flue gave me the liberty to go over my wardrobe and see what I have. Looks like I need more tee dress and leggings. I felt like my fashion sense would change this year. Well, change is unevitable, I suppose.

Above all this, I say "thank you". Thank you that me and my family and friends are safe. Thank you that my struggles, worries, pains, disappointments, small victories and joy are all in your hand and I can sleep soundly at night knowing that the next day, I am safe with you. Thank you, God. Here's wishing I'd blog more in the coming months. And late as this may seem, cheers 2011!

Opportunities

2010-11-16T22:05:00.002+08:00

To those who believed that God is so good to really give you what you want, this blog entry is for you.

I'll keep it short and simple.

God never hands it all at once but believe me when I say that the road you are going is a way where countless opportunities stick to it like magnets as you move your way through life. And at a perfect time, when your heart and mind are ready, you will get it.

God is good. He knows what you have been longing for for so long, what you have been looking forward to. Though His mind doesnt work like how our mind works and imagines, His is the best, the right way.

I say these things because just today, I realized that the things I do now used to be just a dream. But now I'm living it. It's not easy but I love it.

Cheers to God and to all of us who believe in His goodness.

=)

A reason to hope

2010-07-10T20:54:00.005+08:00

Right now I want to run barefooted on a rain-soaked ground, or look over my shoulder and see a pair of miraculous wings getting ready to fly.

I want to step on the moon and dance Jason Mraz's La Nueva Belleza (The Beauty in Ugly) there, paint a rainbow, speak 4 more languages or hug a lion twice my size.

I long to enter in a world where fireflies welcome me with their lights and songs, where a panda bear would stretch out its paw and walk with me, where the dancing Birds of Paradise would change its shape for me and dance, dance, dance.

Right now, I could be at the Tianjin Olympic Stadium rocking with Jay Zhou and not minding if I only understand a few words in his songs. Or, I could be in Naples, at Pizzeria de Michelle, taking every bite, with my eyes closed, of the heavenly pizza with extra cheese.

Or I could be in Spain, in a classroom learning Spanish or in Thailand riding an Elephant, or in Tibet, raising my own prayer flags.

I want to see the world with its true beauty and explore its fullness, where I don't need to be rich to travel to Europe or America, where I don't have to be seen by how I look physically but instead, knowing that I am far from perfect, would be seen with grace and mercy.

I want to see a world free from fear, or bondage. A world where everyone has a smile on their faces, where people dance cha-cha with angels on street corners, or strangers hugging each other with thoughts of purity, brotherhood and goodness in their minds.

A world where love is not merely spoken but acted upon.

A world where the color of skin is not an issue, where only one language is spoken, or where everybody understands all languages. A world where people think of serving others first before they think about themselves.

A world where there are no other voices telling me who I am.

I know, I am dreaming. For right now I am inside my room, writing this blog entry. The space of my room doesn't even fit an elephant, or if a lion twice my size visits, it would be unable to come through the door.

I live in a world where fireflies would die of pollution, where Panda bear is endangered and rare, or where running barefoot under the rain isn't freedom but insanity.

And yet my heart longs for something more than this world can offer. There are things to experience, places to go, freedom to be tasted, adventures to be excited about and provisions to be enjoyed...

I long for a world that seems impossible for the here and now, yet, I have hope.

To hope for something, somehow, is a resting place, or a dream of the imagination, or could it be reality in a different spectrum? Possible.

Yet for me, there is always a reason to hope.

And so I smile, with thoughts of angels dancing cha-cha, and me flying.

new years and birthdays

2010-02-16T13:59:00.005+08:00

The good thing about new years and birthdays is that they don't only tell you how fast time flies, but they also tell you how faithful God is. That as you look back at what had been, you can't help but thank the big Guy above for being there.

Another thing about new years and birthdays is that they are suppose to tell us that the good things are up ahead. I said supposed to, because not all of us sees it that way.

This morning, I woke up telling God I'm somehow confused what my next step will be. Will I stay here, or am I gonna start looking for something/somewhere else? Do I need to find some things else that I can find inspiration to? I was asking whether I've been so attached to what I have that God could no longer move me to somewhere else. You know, if God wants you to move somewhere, He could not do it on His own without your permission. That's why He gives us freewill. It has to have our decision and choice.

After some time, I'd have to ask myself, is it a heart not focused on the Maker that's why questions like this arise?

One thing I learned though, it's today. Today. There's no use looking back at what was behind me, or of wishing tomorrow's going to fix the issues. What I have is today, this God-given time for me to move into where He and I wants for tomorrow.

When I followed Brenden Brown (pastor/worship leader/ Christian singer) in twitter, he sent me a direct message saying his thanks and telling me that the best days are ahead.

And this morning, I remember that as I watched Rob Bell's NOOMA entitled "Today".

Somehow, even if we get stuck or lazy at focusing on God, He has His way of sending a message that would dig deep to the core and make you notice and hear. I so like that attitude of God, He knows so well I slack in many parts of my faithwalk but His grace is always, always available.

Thank God.

So about new years and birthdays...they are reminders that the best days are ahead. Why? Because God is good, faithful...and He knows what He is doing. I have Jeremiah 29:11 to prove that.

And speaking of new year --- xinnian kuiale! 新年快乐！It felt like a total warzone when the Chinese started lighting fireworks and firecrackers for the Chinese New Year. It looked pretty from outside my window, but at some point (especially on the eve of Feb. 14), the noise from fireworks and firecrackers got crazily loud...and I think that's the fun of it all.

Aside from the Chinese New Year, the past days were also two of my friends' birthdays - Glenda and Ruby. The pictures above was during our visit to TEDA, Tianjin (yesterday)...to celebrate Ruby's birthday.

So whether it's a birthday or New Year celeb, I hope and pray I'd always remember to thank God for today...and realize that today is the key for best days ahead. =)

Valentines...

2010-02-13T21:30:00.004+08:00

Valentine's...to remind us that love is important and that no matter how hard life is, it's still worth living because of the throbbing heart of those people around us. Where there's a heart, there's always this capacity for goodness.

Happy Valentine's Day to all the people in the world, my voice is not loud enough for people to hear this greeting, just think of the louder voice of valentine's tv commercials, or of the noise coming from politics, or show business; not to mention that voices of hate, or anger, or self-pity, or fear from everyone's heart.

But I'm saying my greetings anyway...happy valentine's day to all, to you who is reading this. As I'm writing this blog entry I thought about the times I committed something wrong and thought I don't deserve to walk a good path again, but always, there's this magnet to put me back on the right track. That must be love right there.

And I'm pretty sure the same is true to everyone. No matter what road's you've taken, how hard the journey, how crazy the path and how frustrating were your mistakes and sins...there's love available for you, to keep you back on track.

I pray everyone finds love this Valentine's day. Not only that cheezy, over-commercialized kind of love, but love that changes someone from the inside out. Love that carries mercy, hope, faith and grace.

And with love, be thankful.

Happy Chinese New Year!

2010-02-09T21:54:00.004+08:00

In Chinese they say, "Xinnian Kuaile!" (新年快乐！）

Time flies really fast, before we know it it's already the second month of the year! =)

I'm back in Tianjin and last Saturday there was snow. On Sunday, I was debating whether I'd go to Church or not since the weather puts me in a lazy mood these days. In the end, I went to church, enjoyed welcoming the churchgoers, felt God speaking in worship and in the preaching, plus, took pics of me with the snow right after.

I should also mention that I had Bible Study with Pinoy folks after lunch, and flick time of Julie&Julia (the movie). Thank God for an awesome weekend.

The second and third pics above previews the Chinese New Year, aside from the red lanterns and decors with Chinese characters of goodluck & charm, the firecrackers & fireworks play a pretty much big role in this holiday. Those boxes in the pics explain what I mean.

Xinnian kuaile! May joy be felt, not just in China but all over the world.

Travel

2010-01-31T15:11:00.003+08:00

There is this longing to see another place, to step into a road I've never been before, or the thrill to be lost in an aimless crowd in a street filled with pebblers, shoppers, or simply travelers like me.

I'm always curious how the moon looks from a place I've never gone to, or what expression it's people would make when surprised, how a stranger would extend help to a vagabond trying to get to the next destination.

I travel for many reasons, and one reason is to keep in touch with humanity and nature, that as a stranger unconsciously bumps into me, or when a bird sings as I set foot on a park, these and so many other things would make me realize I am not the center of the universe. Many times in life, we just want to be like that - unknown, a stranger.

For 2010, I wish to travel more. It's time to make some of my dreams come true.

Cebu, Cebu!

2010-01-15T12:02:00.003+08:00

It's nice to be back even for just a few weeks. Hello from Cebu!

thanks 2009, hello 2010!

2010-01-15T11:08:00.004+08:00

After a long hiatus, I am back. No need of an applause, in fact, I'm here to play hermit and obey what my hands will lead me as the brain thinks and the fingers tap.

I have to admit, I've never done so much thinking lately. I needed to do a lot - family time, time with pets, visiting friends, processing documents, household chores, reading books, Chinese studies, twitter, facebook, emails, and lots more.

Thus, until now, I still am asking myself what 2010 means to me, and my plans, and dreams, and wishes. There are probably a lot, or maybe much remains the same.

The reason why until now I'm still asking myself is because I haven't done much praying lately. Yes, I am sorry and I admit it. My prayer time these days are those that's composed of thanksgiving and short pauses when reading something online that requires prayer, or when I think of someone and the voice inside me says I need to lift it up in prayer but other than those, I know I needed time to sit, and listen, or praise and worship...and just be still before Him. Allow Him to soak me in His presence, stay longer and just be with Him.

And I miss doing that.

It's 2010 and I havent done much thinking because I havent doing much staying with Him. I know He is my planner, and I know the desires of my heart comes from Him alone, that's why I won't be making plans unless I've talked it over with Him, or received it from Him.

In 2009, God taught me much about grace. In fact, I realized lately that my whole life will be all about grace. Twenty plus some years ago, a couple who were new parents decided to give their baby girl a name "Ann Catherine" though they had no idea that the name means "pure grace". Or should I say that before time begun, a God who knows what earth would be like, including its inhabitants and the planets and stars surrounding it, had in his mind what my name would be and what I would become.

My life's a story of pure grace.

My sins were forgiven, and I mean all, even those I haven't done yet. My mistakes would work together for good. The weapons and schemes fashioned against me will remain a failure until the end. I am a bearer of great light even though I so many times see the darkness in me. God's grace and goodness follows me all the days of my life even though many times I get confused at how God works in my life.

It's a story of pure grace because all these favors that I have and will have is not supposed to be mine but Jesus'. It still blows my mind to think of a powerful God who came to be man and took all my sins as His, but when I think about His love, though my understanding is foggy for now, I'd think about stars and butterflies and rainbows, and birds chirping, cool breeze on a hot day, or proper heater on a harsh winter. I'd think about beauty, and goodness, and love that comes from the inmost being - true, pure and gentle...and Him, the lover who stays true though my season changes. Him whose waiting as I frazzle myself with things that wouldnt matter an hour after. It's just grace - His grace. It comes not from a power from me but from beyond me, from Him alone.

And so for 2010, the story of pure grace continues - of God adventures, of laughters and friends, of opportunities and risks, of victories and learnings, of travels to places that I've never been, or visits to places I've gone, of the lovewalks and hugs and its ups and downs...of so many other things only a God so wise and loving could create.

Just pure grace.

2010, jia you! 加油！

His goodness and love

2009-10-23T22:47:00.003+08:00

Not much, I just wanna put, in written form, how excited I am for what God will do through me. At how awesome His plans are for me. In Psalm 23, it says that "only goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life."

It doesn't matter if at times all I see are difficulties and disappointments, I need not trust what I see with my naked eyes, because the truth is, no matter how I see these setbacks, only God's goodness and love will follow me for the rest of my days.

Being reminded of His goodness and love following me makes the day clearer. The world will try it's best to make me believe that I am alone, that I am helpless and unworthy. But I have learned, daily, that the world is a big liar...that its shouts and pressures are roads that would lead to chaos, self-centeredness and sin.

Yet, my God's love leads me to that inner place where there is peace, and hope...and lots of love. And this is where I get so excited...His love leads me to my best. His love makes me stronger, and encourages me to explore new shores, widen my territory and "enlarge my tent."

That's why I'm so excited. With His love and goodness following me, my every step is a step taken with Him.

"I'll walk with you, wherever You go, through the tears and joy, I'll trust in You." - Hillsong Australia, 'With All I Am"

Inspiration

2009-10-17T22:33:00.005+08:00

Tonight, I want to hug every person I meet, and sing, and worship God, and laugh hard.

But here I am, tapping these lines...writing. I wanna go back to writing, this first love. This first passion that will be with me until the end of my life.

I know I have stories to tell, and I also know that some may not listen. I know I have it, but I'm so afraid, or lazy, or forgetful of this.

But tonight, the inspiration comes, in the form of a person, or of a music, or of an action so free and unfettered.

So before life takes its toll and takes this inspiration away, this unwriter writer uses the magic of the moment to capture what is formed from the present state, for tomorrow this may fade away as another day breaks, and as another story comes.

Tonight, I wanna thank the Author of stories for allowing me to see at this time, this person, this music, this action...that forms into an inspiration that may never be here tomorrow.

The fleeting ticking of the clock, it's sound, makes its way into my ears...and I know for certain that the the life of the moment ends as this line ends.

And starts again.

But it's never gonna be the same.

(谢谢你WLH）

sweet pleasures of the day

2009-08-29T22:48:00.004+08:00

Started the day quite bored. I know I needed to prepare for my classes on Monday but I wasn't really in the mood for it. Waited until noon and decided, after lots of thinking, to go to my favorite coffee shop - Modern Memory. I brought lots of books with me plus pens and notebooks. I know it's going to be a reading adventure.

And it really was. The mellow music playing in the coffee shop, plus the classic ambience of old furnitures and antique collections, charmed me as I flipped page after page of the books I brought. What have you, I even finished reading one book - Open Your Heart with Writing by Neil Rosen - when I have had a hard time finishing reading the book for months for lack of time to read.

Aside from reading, I also did preparations for the Bible study tomorrow. Our topic would be about Jesus and how He, the Son of God, needed friends to support Him at His time of sorrow when He was here on earth. Just a question, Jesus asked Peter, James and John to stay awake with Him at His greatest sorrow (the agony in the garden, Read Matthew 26) and they kept falling asleep. Do you think it would have been different if there was a woman with them? Or if Jesus brought women with Him instead of the three? I guess it would be a completely different story, as I know for sure that people would speculate so much as to why Jesus would bring women with Him. But really, I was wondering about that, about the difference if it were women.

Anyway, after the coffee shop, I went to my favorite scented candle store and whoopsie! the vendor gave me an extra candle holder and scented candle that goes with the two I'm buying. I asked her if she sells candle holder only and she said no, I have to buy the candle and it's holder. I was disappointed but she was so kind to give it to me instead. What a blessing!

After the shop, decided to walk to the bus stop and noticed the clear blue skies and the sunny day that goes with it. I noticed how the air seemed different this time as Autumn's around, no more harshness from the sun and there is coolness in the air that makes one desire to walk and stroll and enjoy the lovely day.

In my apartment and another whoopsie! Jim, a colleague from Canada, traveled to Macau and he went back with the yummiest pie in the whole wide world - the portuguese egg tarts! =) Thank you, burp, burp, burp. =)

At the end of the day, after the scrumptuous dumplings at dinner, after the visit to my favorite fruits shop, after lighting scented candles in my room and delighting at their aroma...I'm tapping at these keyboard trying to just say how amazing it is for God to spill pleasures in a dreary day. The walk under the sunshine, the janitor cleaning the streets, the kids playing on street corners, or even at the inquisitive taxi driver...all are pleasures within the day that I experienced as I opened my eyes to the magic of the moment, no matter how ordinary it may seem for other people. They are life's sweet pleasures - God given - spontaneous and sporadic and they carry special messages of love and care for each one of us. However, it requires the eyes to see, and the mind to know that they are messages from God made especially for you.

If you don't notice them - the laughter of the children, the scent of the candles, the smile of the sun, the taste of egg tarts - they then slip away and you would not receive the message of love and wisdom those moments hold.

And today, I got His messages. I should look up and say my thanks now. =)

a teenager's basketball (love) story

2009-08-10T21:46:00.011+08:00

Aug. 6-16 is the FIBA (Federation Internationale Basketball Associacion) Asian Championship here in Tianjin, China. The Philippine Team lead by Coach Yeng Guaio is, at this time, doing pretty well with 3 wins and 1 loss. Hope things will continue to stay positive.

I watched the Philippine team battle it out against Japan last Friday. They won, thank God. Me and my friend, Irene, had so much of shrieks and shills I actually felt my throat getting scratchy after the game. I remember how I used to be so gaga over PBA when I was in high school.

All the while while I was hollering my support to the Philippine Team, I remember that nerdy high schooler whose only vise outside her studies was that she feel in love with a gentleman named Vergel Meneses. But their love cannot be because he already loved someone else, and besides, it was only a one-sided love affair. He didn't even know she existed. Their, er, her love started when she saw him slug a move in the basketball court that seemed like he was suspended mid-air and the ball he has on his had landed on the ring with suave, she gasped and the sparks flew from around her, her eyes light up red lights that formed two hearts. Then a melody filled the air, and there was no turning back, her heart is attached.

Well, that was a long time ago. Vegel Meneses retired from playing basketball years after that while she, the loveburst teenager, graduated from HS, then college, found a job in a newspaper company, then resigned and landed a job in Tianjin, China. She's now enjoying her single life with a bit of craziness, or rather lots of it...then sometimes, just sometimes, she looks back at the past and laughs at how silly she was. Of how her being a fan goes beyond watching the game, or of how easy it is for someone so young to like someone and call it "love," without any hesitation.

But then again, she learned from it...or else I'd have nothing else to write in this entry.

Did I mention that the Philippine team won that night against Japan? Sorry, reminiscing got the better of me.

Jiayou, Philippine team! Go! Go! Go, noypis!

(Note: pics above were taken at the game Phil. vs. Japan, Aug. 7, 2009 at the Tianjin Olympic Stadium. Third pic was with my friend Irene together with the assistant coaches and staff of the team, and the last was with the impressive player of the night - Asi Taulava).

something to look forward to

2009-08-05T12:17:00.005+08:00

Jaeson Ma, a youth pastor and musician, recently shared in his blog his prophetic dream about the entertainment industry specifically on Hollywood and Asia.

Some days ago, I've been doing some reading about the lives of famous Chinese directors like John Woo, Zhang Yimou, Peter Chan and Ang Lee, and famous personalities like Takeshi Kaneshiro and singer Wang Lee Hom.

I am also aware of South Korea's Wondergirl's rise to fame through its popular hit single "Nobody".

I am, actually, a fan of films and theater, a lover of music and I have this belief that dancing is one awesome way to glorify God.

Thus, I am one of those who has this belief that one day the making of film, of music, and of dancing, or anything about entertainment would all be made to glorify God and to further His kingdom here on earth.

So it was totally a blessing and an inspiration to read a prophesy about the entertainment industry. I pray that I could play my part and be faithful to it in this great revival that God is doing here on earth

To read Jaeson Ma's prophesy, click --- here.

verses

2009-08-02T21:37:00.004+08:00

"My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the King, my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer." Psalm 45:1

Verses

I want to write
About your love
Of how you see me
At my worst and best

I want to write
About the flowers you sent
Or how the rainbow looks different
When you’re in my mind

I want to write
About the rain, or the sunny day
And how it’s both meaningful
Because of you

I want to write
About the silence of your love
Or the loudness of it
Or its constancy and strength

I want to write
About your life in me,
Or mine in you,
Our boundless tale of love

I want to write
Then recite it to you
See a smile passing your lips
Or your eyes reflecting your heart

I want to write
Verses of you and me
Then sing to the rhythm of its words
And dance under the stars and moon

acperez aug 2, 2009

hidden in Him

2009-08-01T01:15:00.003+08:00

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man would have to seek Him first to find her."

- text message from my friend Ruby. Touche!

love suffers long

2009-07-29T22:46:00.007+08:00

I know, its been a while. Unfortunately, blogger is blocked here where I am and now I succumb to a proxy software to access the sites where I have accounts. One of which is this blog.

I miss writing a lot. I wish I could write like before, but I guess I've lost the inspiration to write. The keyboard feels different this time, or maybe it's just my distracted mind, what with studying Chinese and dealing with its several aspects - vocabulary, pronunciation, grammar and writing (or they call it "hanzi). I have to admit that writing Chinese is superbly difficult. And to think that my pronunciation and vocabulary is still very pitiable. Oh, so much for being negative.

In a happier note, I feel really challenged with studying Chinese. Besides, it's a real joy to be able to speak to ordinary people like taxi drivers and vendors. They always asked me where I'm from, why I'm here. And I always tell them that my Chinese is "bu tai hao" (not very well). They understand and are actually very appreciative of me knowing some basic words. That really is a joy in itself.

Aside from those things, I am happy to say that I finally completed my online TESOL course. Whoah! Thank God! One time, I posted in facebook that my online course turned out to be an online curse. Not that the course is inferior, in fact it is very helpful to me. I complained because answering the worksheets took so much of my time. I was at the middle of the term that time, preparing class lessons at the same time doing some work for the two Bible studies I attended regularly, plus all the hassle and bustle of the daily grind. Oh, I was tired in the end and I blamed it on the online TESOL curse, err, course.

But thank God I'm done with it. Cheers! Ganbei!

After all that updates, let me tell you what I've learned lately.

I've learned that when Jesus calls me to love, there is no promise of Him protecting my heart from being hurt. In fact, the more I love, my chances of getting hurt is also more.

I am not talking about romantic love here, although this also rings true. I am talking about love that serves, love that listens, love that hopes for the best, love that never judges, love that cares deeply, love that supports and gives and prays.

I remember the first I read about the adulteress woman in the Bible some years ago. I was reading the book of John and the story was about an adulteress who is supposed to be stoned because she was caught in the act (of adultery, of course!), and according to the law of Moses, she should be stoned. If you are familiar with the story, you'd know that Jesus said to the pharisees that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone.

And in the end, no one threw a stone at her. No one, not even Jesus (who is without sin!)

I was wondering what that woman felt looking at Jesus' compassionate eyes. How her life had changed for that act of mercy, especially when Jesus said, "go and sin no more."

After reading it, I cried. Why? Because that's love! Not judging, not demanding. Jesus showed a love that's forgiving, patient, merciful...and a love that never gives up. While the pharisees saw how hopeless that woman was, that her act was deserving of death, Jesus saw hope and gave her new life.

I'm moved by that story even now because the more I'm learning how to love, to be a friend, to be someone who is available for people, and the closer I get to these people; the more I see the darkness in me - impatient, unmerciful, self-centered. And what's more? That love offers chances for me to get hurt.

I feel like I'm being stretched. I thought I was patient but nah, not really. I thought I was merciful but then here comes something, and my heart says...'this is enough!' I tried to be people-cented but later on I realized how I wanted things to turn out to be the way I wanted them to be.

It's painful, but its helpful. To see some parts of me that are opening up to become a better person, that my character is being sharpened to endure and roll with the punches that life may bring.

I have a friend who is going through something lately. I've known this friend for quite some time now and in fact, I consider him like a brother and we do know quite a lot about each other - that means we also know each other's struggles, and disappointments and pain.

The last time I had lunch with this friend, he was so hurt that I thought he was gonna cry, and in fact I saw his eyes getting watery. He was in pain that time and as I looked at him I felt so sad and down for I know how painful it must have felt. We talked for hours after that, and I had both my ears tuned in to all the things he said.

After that talk, I included him in my prayer time. Regularly this time. I know exactly what to pray for him and so I prayed for him everyday. Hoping that things will be okay, that he'll be healed from the hurt, etc. etc. etc.

But I received news some days ago, and its a bad news. And it means that my prayers are not answered (maybe not just yet). Thought of my friend being hurt flooded my mind when I hear the news and I really felt disappointed, and down.And in fact, I felt pain as well.

But know what? God is still in control...maybe I was just so selfish to see things my way, or so impatient to wait for His answers.

So what have I learned from life lately?

I learned that love suffers long. It's natural to get hurt, and there will be more as you carry on loving. And I also learn that love softens the heart, lets you see things in life that you don't normally see. Makes you appreciate life more, makes you a better person as you learn from the hurts and allow the Faithful Healer to touch you.

It may feel at times that the heart is tired to love, but love is always the better way.

Lord, where's my Takeshi?

2009-07-28T01:39:00.010+08:00

There was this movie that I watched in the Philippines which brought me to tears (as if it's something new) even when my parents were around while I was watching it.

The movie's name was House of Flying Daggers (in English), a Chinese film directed by Zhang Yimou and starred by Zhang Ziyi and Takeshi Kaneshiro.

And a scene that stayed in my mind even until now is when Captain Jin (Takeshi) held Mei's hand and they ran together as the enemies are about to attack them.

And now, since I am learning Chinese I thought it'd be great to watch Chinese movies. And guess what I watched? Red Cliff 1 and 2. Another period film directed by John Woo and was released last year for the part 1 and early this year for the second half of the movie.

And guess who's in it? Yup! Takeshi Kaneshiro as Zhuge Liang, a war chief strategist...of course along with the other popular Chinese stars.

Takeshi Kaneshiro did well in the movie again. And my heart is into it again.

Since yesterday up until today, I'm telling God..."Lord, where's my Takeshi?" =)

One who would, like Captain Jin, hold my hand when life is against me. Or one who would, like Zhuge Liang of Red Cliff, keep me brazened to the reality of the comings and goings of life.

Oh God, bring me my Takeshi Kaneshiro, please.

cry of an exhausted warrior

2009-05-09T20:58:00.004+08:00

God takes care of everything we entrust Him.

It's funny that I need to write that to be reminded, I felt like a warrior who needs to remind himself that he is carrying a sword.

Or maybe I am just a exhausted warrior now, one that has gone through the woods with pained feet, hungry stomach and a thirsty mouth. Will I find the water that I need? I don't know when, or where, for this moment now I feel the nagging frustration of searching for something that is totally out of sight.

Is it near, or do I have to walk farther? I don't know.

How many times have I wished I never have to go through this moment now, when my heart aches for something that I don't have, when the prayer involves tears and weeping and lots of mixed emotions that seem to explode out of that little organ in the middle of my chest.

It is at this time that I can understand David, or that deer searching for water, or Jesus, minutes before He breathed His last.

A situation that looked helpless, a spirit that's broken, a strength sapped from constant thriving, and the endless walk towards somewhere I don't know - all these seem to describe me today, when life's drama suddenly clicked at me without warning.

However, there is always reason for hope amidst what seem to be a total defeat. I have to think about David again, and that deer who finally drank water, or Jesus - who defeated the enemy forever. Definitely, God knows why I have to go through this. He knows that I'd irked at the poetry of the unknown, or I'd scream and kick at the enemies I found within myself.

Yet, as I've mentioned in the first sentence of this entry - God takes care of everything we entrust to Him.

When a warrior finally realizes that there's no water everywhere, he'd succumb to the kneeling and the crying, until a thought click of looking up to heaven and wishing it would rain, or otherwise, Heaven may do whatever it wishes. That's where I am now. It looks messy and difficult, but here's the good news - I have hope. My God never gives up on me. I am tired now but not tomorrow.

I don't know God's answer to my prayer now, but soon, pretty soon - He will reveal it to me. And I will know the reason why I had to go through this moment in my life. So now, I entrust to you this tired heart of mine, knowing that you will take care of it.

Chengde, in a rush

2009-05-02T21:38:00.013+08:00

Me and my friend Nina planned a 2-day trip to Chengde. It's a prefecture-level town Northeast of Beijing that houses several of UNESCO's World Heritage Sites. For fear that we may not be able to buy a ticket going back to Tianjin, our trip to Chengde was shortened for a day. Yes, it was quite a rush, but nevertheless it was amazing.

Let me just explain about the "fear" thing and to why we shortened the trip. You see, we would not want to experience what we had going to Chengde. Apparently, on holidays lots of Chinese would either go back to their hometowns or visit some other places and Chengde is among the list of go-to places especially that summer is just around the corner.

So on our way there, we took the train. But here's the problem: no more seats available so we were left to buy the standing tickets. We took it anyway and bought our own folding chairs, not knowing that even our folding chairs would have no place inside a crowded train full of human bodies. I'm telling you, it was the worst train ride ever! I'm not kidding. On the train's stop to Beijing, some people could no longer get in through the train door because there's no more space to move inside, and do you know what others did? They opened the window of the train and passed through it. And to make it worst, a train attendant came and helped them get through. You don't wanna know what I had on my mind at that very time, do you?

My companion, Nina, kept saying "no way, this is terrible." And it sure is. Although we were able to sit down later on, it still was uncomfortable. Until now, I'm still thanking God that we made it through that experience, and even though it was totally unpretty, I'm glad to have experienced something like that. Going back by train, we had beds and slept well through the ride, and I guess we appreciated having a bed so much because of what we experienced.

Chengde houses some of the famous sites in China - temples, mountains resorts, and parks. During the Qing dynasty, Chengde was the summer destination of the emperor (to escape the heat in Beijing) so it has the Mountain Resort which became a UNESCO World Heritage site in 1994. It is the largest imperial palace garden existing in China with over 5.64 million square metres. Construction of the entire mountain resort lasted for 89 years from 1703 to 1792.

The Puning Temple, another UNESCO Heritage site, is famous for its large wooden Buddha statue which is the largest in the world. Inside the temple, you would see some lamas and is the only temple resided by them in Northen China.

The Putuo Zongcheng Temple (built after the model of Potala temple in Tibet) is another UNESCO World Heritage site and is remarkable for the magnificent pattern of Han-Tibetan Buddhism architecture. This is also the largest temple among the outlying temples in Chengde (built from 1767-1771) with an area of 220,000 square meters. Our guide said that the roof of the temple is made of gold, we missed it though. We have to head back to catch the bus.

Thing is, it would have been nice to spend 2 or 3 days in Chengde (though I don't mind being there for a day). I would tell my friends who would like to go there one day to allot a day at the Mountain Resort which is divided into three main parts - the hills, mountains and lakes. There are buses to get you around the area for 40RMB (which is what we took cos we don't have much of the time) but in my opinion exploring the whole place, befriending the deers that are all around the resort, enjoying the scenery of the lakes and mountains, or looking at the beauty and hugeness of the earth by passing through the walls of the resort...those things seem fantastic to do, but maybe not for now.

And the last, and maybe the most important thing that I would like to mention in this entry about Chengde is that I appreciated being a Christian even more after my visit there. The Puning Temple has the largest wooden Buddha in the world, it is so big it makes you feel so little. Yet, that Buddha is made of hands, human hands. As our tour guide convinced the others to pray there because it is a special place and that when you pray there you do not need to pray to any other place, I'm glad that my eyes are open to the truth, that I am not living to the standards of this world. I am glad that my God came to this earth...and I'm glad that He is my redeemer, for there is none that is ever worthy than Jesus.

As the Chinese people who were with us lighted candles and bowed and uttered prayers, I prayed for them, that one day they would see what I'm seeing. That one day the scales would be taken off their eyes and the truth would set them to freedom.

And while I was at it, I was also singing my latest favorite song from Superchic[k]..."we live, we love, we forgive and never give up, cos the days we are given are gifts from above and today we remember to live and to love.."

captions:

pic 1 - a plant in Putuo Temple, the model of Tibet's Potala Palace as a background

pic 2 - taking the bus to tour around the huge Mountain Resort.

pic 3 - Nina and I at the Puning Temple

pic 4 - a scene from one of the lakes at the Mountain Resort

pic 5 - inside the Putuo Zongcheng Temple

taking advantage of springtime

2009-04-18T11:25:00.014+08:00

Winter is over and spring is here! Thank God!

If winter makes you a bit distant to the outdoors, spring is the complete opposite. The sunshine makes you smile and the budding flowers charm you to go out and have picnic, play some games, why not?

I told my friend and co-teacher, Mel, that spring makes people happy, or happier. It's just lovely to look at people and know from your point of view that they no longer look as frigid as before, or that it's easier to flash a smile and enjoy the day's warmth.

And as promised, me and my students went outside and played some games to enjoy the wonderful spring weather. We are taking advantage of spring because, fyi, spring here in Tianjin is rather short and before you know it, it's already summer. Summer here is kinda muggy and I'm afraid we would all succumb to the indoors again, but that's ok.

For now, cheers for spring, or in Mandarin we say - jia you!

Qingdao - a city worth the visit

2009-04-10T23:16:00.009+08:00

The biggest city of Shangdong Province, China, Qingdao was the venue of the 2008 Olympics Sailing Competition. I'm sure you know what Sailing is, and one major thing it needs is the sea.

Yes, Qingdao is a coastal city. And along with the fine beaches are amazing mountains with huge rock formations (Laoshan), German architectures in some of its edifices (long time ago, Qingdao was once occupied by Germans), dazzling modern buildings, lovely art, dining and entertainment area (Tianmu) and the museum of one of China's most popular beers - Tsingtao Beer Museum.

Me and friends went to Qingdao, which also means the blue/green island, on April 3-5, 2009. It was a short but event-filled trip with lots of laughter, picture-taking, story-telling and creative story-telling (I mean the jokes are creative, haha!).

The temperature in Qingdao was colder than the city where I'm based - Tianjin. I guess the main reason to it was because of the coast. At mid-day, Qingdao was cool and sunny, but at night, it gets really cold.

Perhaps what I enjoyed the most in Qingdao was the zigzag-driving on our way to the mountain Laoshan. Can you just imagine me and my friends squashed amidst hundreds of Chinese inside the bus? You need not be afraid of falling off somewhere inside the bus because there wasn't space to fall to. I call it a total human sardines! Anyway, as the bus swerves, many of us held our breath as some turns are a bit abrupt and sharp, really hair-raising, if I may say so myself. Then we all sounded sighs of relief as the abrupt turn ended safely. It was a sort of roller-coaster and I enjoyed, and felt nerveous, to every bits of it.

On our way to Laoshan, we saw some flowering trees, perhaps a kind of Cherry Blossoms. They looked gorgeous!

And another favorite of mine was the visit to the Tsingtao Beer Museum. Aside from the fact that it was my first time to drink beer (and I never liked it, sorry), it was also my first time to play in a question and answer contest where everything written on screen was Chinese. It was only for fun but I was proud to say that I won. Not because I knew the answer but because I know exactly when to press the button and just made wild guesses.

And there was "that room" in the Beer museum which would make you a bit dizzy when you enter. Until now, I'm trying to understand what they have in there but man, I loved it. Never had I laughed so hard in the trip than those times I had inside "that dizzying room" with friends.

So every once in a while, we all deserve some time-out to travel to another place, another environment. A place we totally don't know except its name. It's great that before I went to Qingdao, I only know that it's a coastal city and it should be nice.

As I came home after my Qingdao trip, I have with me experiences, laughter, memories, fun...all in my head and heart...much more than the money I spent, or the time I spared. Things like that can help me become a better person with a wider scope of understanding God and His creations.

seasons in life

2009-04-09T15:16:00.007+08:00

I promised my students that once the weather warms up, we will have our class outside. I said that last week with lowest degrees in minus or 0 degree. And this week, the weather gets really warm that I have to have my classes outside next week or else it would get too hot to have my classes outside.

One friend once told me that here in Tianjin, there are only two kinds of weather - winter and summer. Autumn and spring come in too short a time that no one would ever notice them. Such is true, I guess, for such an abrupt weather as this.

Such a reflection on the seasons made me think about life. On Tuesday morning, I sent my close friend her in Tianjin, Joy, off the train station. She's going back to the Philippines because she could not find a teaching job here in Tianjin, given that it's not the time of the year and her working visa is expiring.

I prayed hard for her weeks ago...that she will find a job, that she would have it before her visa expires. But maybe God has another plan for her life.

As I waved goodbye to her, I remembered all the happy times we had together. I felt like crying. I remembered how she used to cook so many delicious foods for me and the rest of us in our Filipino group. She was the one who supported me when I asked the group if we could have a Bible study every week. She was the one who laughed at my corny jokes and the one who knows me enough to finish some of my sentences.

They said that all good things must come to an end. Certainly, I never thought of the moment of me waving her goodbye to the train station. Never thought of hugging her for the last time as I handed her her luggage.

I would like to think that that season of my life of having her as my friend is not ending. That sometime in the near future, she would be coming back and that season will continue. But that is just my thought and I don't really know what God is thinking. He always have better plans than we do.

Seasons, changes, people come and go, things happen and things come to pass...nothing in this world is permanent. Everything happens at its own season. Whether things are always harsh as winter, or dry as summer; you bet that nothing is permanent. It will come to pass and you are left to decide - will you flow with the changes, or will you settle unadaptably?

a beckon to the whisper of the wind

2009-03-07T00:01:00.006+08:00

One of the things that I would really love to start doing this year is to write more. I have been lazy with writing, or perhaps impatient. I sometimes stare into a blank word document, then I type a word, a sentence. Pause. Think. And then I delete it and forget about whatever it is I want to say or express.

I could not remember completely when I started to have this fascination to writing. It could be because of Sweet Valley Twins books I read when I was in the 6th grade, or the deplumated Archie Comic Books I managed to read to kill time on summer vacations. Or, it probably started before all that, with Story Parade, a book my father gave me, which was apparently given to him from his boss.

When you were young, you don't really worry if the things you like would bring you food one day. You just do what you want to do because you love it. There's that passion, the heart of it all. And the coming years would either light it up, or flicker it down. It sometimes depends on opportunities, or perseverance...or some strokes of luck.

I guess for me, I write because I know I'm happy when my hand touches the pen and the scribbling, the forming of words to sentences like combined colors from a painting to express beauty, challenges hope that my poem, or story, or essay, would express something that I have deep in me.

But I don't always have the time in the world to write. In fact, my passion for writing now seems to be an idea in the head that I would love to go when I have the time to spare. Sometimes, I would think of an idea, or a line, and then my busyness gets the better of me and before I knew it, the idea is gone forever.

Writing needs a close contact with the heart within, and the diligence to write it down before it leaves the brain. Yet for me now, I don't have that luxury of time, or the persevering spirit to journal every thought.

Life gets in the way, always.

When I was young, writing was a passion that I held dearly, like a precious ring that I wear with me all the time. I opened myself to it, sharpened it by the dancing of my pencil on paper.

Then the years passed by, I get destructed by responsibilities. An idea from the wind would whispher itself to my ears but my attention is upon a Chinese student who is carefully minding his use of a "his" and "her."

And so the idea from the wind flew back, unnoticed and unformed.

How many of those ideas have I wasted? How many of them have I allowed to go back to the wind, not even minding their sweet whispers, or the inspiration they may relate to me.

So this year, Lord, I hope to write more. And may I be kind to the whisper from that wind that would visit me time and again. And may I open myself to it. For love and passion.

i got tagged!

2009-02-28T10:11:00.006+08:00

I got tagged by many Facebook friends about the 25 random things about me. For the sake of updating my blogspot, I reckon it's not bad to post my 25 random things here. And so here we go...

1. I’m waiting for the right kind of pilot to come, you know what I mean.

2. Daniel-Day Lewis, one of the most selective actors in the movie industry, is my favorite actor. I become a fan when he was featured in nytimes.com last year, wise and eloquent, he got me googling about him; amazed at how serious he is at method acting and fancied at being able to blurt out well-chosen words like him.

3. Search through my bag and you would not miss these two things – a pen and notebook.

4. I wore fringe hairstyle in my whole four years in HS. Those were my “Jolina years.” I finally let go of it in my first semester in college, you have no idea how freeing it was to let go of those mirthful bangs.

5. There’s a big difference between a tourist and a traveler. I’d like to believe that I am a traveler, wary about tourist traps and instead decide on places where the locals go and spend their daily lives. Many of the interesting people I know are those I’ve met on my travels, and they probably have no idea how much they moved me.

6. Ketchup and brown sugar sandwich - I have never met anyone who smiled at the idea. I had it when I was like 7, or 8, out of curiosity (and surprisingly, I liked it!). I should try that again and see if I have the same palate.

7. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I am blind-friendly.

8. My sister said that Philip Yancey looks like Albert Einstein. Guess that’s why I love him. His book, Reaching for the Invisible God, changed my life. And that was the reason why I’m a collector of his books to date.

9. The last guy who said “I love you” to me was a student who announced it in the middle of the class. I don’t know if he read the “You-are-out-of-your-mind!” sign written all over my face.

10. John 10:10 – “I came so that they might have life, and have it to the full,” is my all-time favorite Bible verse.

11. When asked to choose: pork, chicken or beef? I’d choose beef in a heartbeat.

12. All the books I own have highlights on its pages.

13. Yes, my Chinese is poor. Now what?!

14. The idea was mine all along, but the humorist Jan Marshall, being obviously popular, got this in quotable quote, “Not a shred of evidence exists that life is serious.” Simply put: if you can’t laugh at yourself I’ll be glad to do it for you.

15. La Isla Bonita is my favorite videoke song simply because I scored 100 when I sung it in my neighbor’s videoke. Kaluoy sa naminaw. Ha!

16. Thank God for ice cream and pizza.

17. These past few years, the most powerful truth I’ve learned is that --- LOVE is a VERB.

18. I memorized the lyrics of Full House’s Three Bears song, complete with its dance steps. I can do it right now if you want me to, at your own risk.

19. I used to have this “falling in love montage” hanging in my imagination. Blame it on all the chick flicks and Julia Roberts’ movies I grew up with.

20. I think I’ve managed to create a sort of banishment in some areas of my life. I don’t care if one calls me a hermit, or declares how long it’s been since he/she last saw me.

21. Bad boys are actually bad…and thank you Lord, I steered clear of them. To the left, to the left.

22. Nothing else sent me off the other direction than that guy in KL International Airport who told me that he heard God say my name to him – loud and clear. I forgot to ask him if God included my family name as well.

23. Signed in as “invisible to everyone,” is my constant status in yahoo messenger.

24. I keep a journal from HS till now. On them are my thoughts, quotes I like, writings, poetry, and what have you, I have in there letters for my future husband! Oh my, it’s embarrassing to even mention this, but well, you are a close friend so please keep this as a secret, will you?

25. I have fallen in love with Jesus on Feb. 9, 2002…and now I still am, all because of His grace bringing me back to Him once I fall out. He is THE perfect gentleman, and the greatest evidence that God is not a religion.

Back to the cold weather

2009-02-19T13:19:00.005+08:00

Pearl River College, Tianjin, China

Nothing is more overwhelming than being welcomed by this great amount of snow in my first week of class for this term. I'm not sure if this is a bad or good thing. In the meantime, I gotta be positive and enjoy this fresh air.

Macau, and beyond

2009-02-19T11:52:00.006+08:00

Wynn's Fountain Show

Senado Square

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return." (Leonardo da Vinci)

After my travel to Macau, I realized that I'm thirsty for more. More of culture besides what I know, more places to tread on, more interesting people to meet, more experiences to take on my backpack and bring with me as I journey towards life.

So I agree with Leonardo da Vinci, when you experience something that blew your mind away, you wanted to search for more of it. And what I have seen are, in my opinion, just the tip of the iceberg.

Yesterday, on my way to the school via the school bus, I was listening to this talk by Paul Manwaring of Bethel Church in California and he said something that made me say, "Yes, you are soooo true!

He said, "See what's happened is that we've been raised in a culture that somehow says, this is the way you do the Christian life, it's full of these disciplines but it's not about enjoying the planet on which we live. And yet this planet on which we live, is this expression of the beauty of God. And He's expressed himself because why? He wants us to step in and to go closer into Him, to understand Him and move into intimacy."

I don't know about you, but the more I travel, the more I revere God. It's like He made all these places - whether modern or ancient, preserved wholely or just the remains - because He knew that one day I will gaze at them. And my gaze would move from what's naked in the eyes to what's beyond them.

Thus, seating in the park near Macau's Ruins of St. Paul one evening, enjoying my dinner - three pieces of egg tarts and iced tea, I thought about how gracious it is to find solitude amidst traversing in a foreign land, to stop after a long day of movement, or to have a heart-to-heart talk to Someone who saw, and is part of all the days of history and have known from the beginning that as I step on this land, I would think of Him.

KL's breathtaking twins

2009-02-19T10:57:00.011+08:00

The thing about beauty is that, when you see one, you could not take your eyes off it. In case of taking pictures, when you see beauty you could not stop taking pics of it. That's exactly what happened to me when I gazed upon Kuala Lumpur's Petronas Twin Towers.

It's beautiful, astounding, breath-taking. I can't remember how many pics I took of Petronas (I took pics of it during the day and at night), still fresh from my memory, though, was when I convinced my sister to find the Petronas Towers after several failed attempts at finding a KL Map. I told my sister we will find Petronas even without a map.

And so, we walked, rather aimlessly, at one of Bukit Bintang's alleyways. And then I saw, out of its light and gigantic presence, the Petronas from afar. It was a smile that passed through my face, my eyes lit up as I said, "We found what we've been looking for," pointing at the lovely twins that captured the eyes in a heartbeat.

found a treasure in Singapore's National Library

2009-02-05T10:06:00.013+08:00

Singapore, Feb.4, 2009 - So we (me, my sister and her boyfriend Aloke) went to the National Library in Bugis and I was in awe at how amazing the place is with its huge collection of books and how the whole place is well-maintained. What's more, I read something that really struck a cord, such well-written words of wisdom and inspiration. Read with me...

" To sum it all up, if you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God turned out and sent rambling.

You must write every single day of your life.

You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes, and wear books like hats upon your crazy head.

I wish for you a wrestling match with your creative muse that will last a lifetime.

I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you.

May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories - science fiction or otherwise.

Which finally means, may you be in love everyday for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." - Ray Bradburry (from John Winukor's book Advice To Writers)

see you later, Cebu

2009-02-01T22:29:00.005+08:00

So, I'll see you later, Cebu.

You've been more than wonderful, and you will always be that. From the fresh vegetable soup straight from my mother's kitchen, the beat and hit of January festivals, friends' usual jokes and laughter to the pet dogs' tricks and play - no place like home, indeed!

But then the vacation has to end and I need to get myself out of here. For those who wants more of home, you wish time would move slow, but time is relentless to those who are having fun, or those who are busy.

Until then, Cebu. You saw me got confused with a story that begun with a goodbye and develops with another goodbye, you know how I so wanted to defy gravity, or trick it from happening, or of how I sometimes step into my little fantasy where boundaries are overcome by the fantastical creativity of my imagination.

There are things I wish I have more grasp into, like knowing what's really in the heart of another, or of changing some things that didn't come out right from peoples' judgments, or of not being forgetful when with someone whose words have the power to melt all the phrases practiced in mind.

Yet, could the distance be a blessing in disguise? Sometimes, distance defies gravity and that which is beyond your grasp would settle itself perfectly. I'm leaving with "what-if's" and questions but I so believe that the future has the perfect answer to the present questions hanging in my head.

I loosen my grip and grasp, I abandon myself to destiny, to His will. So, I'm not even gonna ask what's next to this. My next visit will come one day, and it will have it's own story to tell - whether to continue what was left hanging, or to begin a new one, I absolutely have no idea, and I don't wanna know.

All I can say for now is --- see you later, Cebu!

(FYI, I arrived here in Cebu, Philippines last January 1 after my travel to Shanghai and Hangzhou, China. From here, I will be accompanied by my sister and 2 friends Jillian and Ellen to Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. My sister and friends will fly back to the Phils. after KL while I fly straight to Macau and will roam there for probably 2 days. From Macau, back to Tianjin for the next term of teaching, baby! Whew, graces, Lord!)

P.S. Photo from the wires taken during the famous January festival here in Cebu, Philippines - the Sinulog.

beauty of your face

2009-01-31T11:43:00.003+08:00

Just another day
Of longing
Yearning
To be with You

I see the sky
Dancing above
And Your grace fell
In loving abandon

I have heard
The lullaby
Of Your wind
Serenading the trees

My heart
must tell You
What words
Could not describe

This love,
Spilling, coming
From my
Waiting heart

Today
I wish I had wings
To fly to
Where You are

Today
I wish my eyes
Beholds the beauty
Of Your face

(cathy perez)

May 26, 2006

a thousand love songs

2009-01-31T11:35:00.004+08:00

When will I hear

a thousand love songs

from you?
Will I hear it tomorrow

as we steal glances and
cross each other’s path
Will I hear it

from my own heartbeat that hopes
to find a connection with yours
Will I hear it

from the echo of your laughter as you
pass by without any other words to say
Will I hear it

from the depth of your stare,

from all the
other things that melt away around us
Will I hear it

only from my imagination, from the feelings
of could be and could not be
Will I hear it

way too late as the years pass by
with nothing but vagueness between us
Or…
Will I hear it

after a thousand love songs

were played over this lovestory that
aches to begin,
and longs to be sung
over and over again.

(by cathy perez)

september 16, 2006

a sort of looking back

2009-01-15T14:27:00.007+08:00

Back in high school, I used to go to this place where my classmates and I would bring snacks and do nothing but talk, talk and talk. It was a grassland, with some trees surrounding it. There was a passage of water coming from a nearby construction cite, and we used to joke around, saying that one who does constant foolishness would be thrown to the nearby watery area.

And now, going back, the place has never been the same, it has turned into a shopping mall and hangout - Ayala Center Cebu. But nonetheless, I love Ayala for everytime I go there, I'm reminded of the time when I was young and my vision of the world was limited to grasslands and after-class hangout with friends.

The years passed by, things changed, and Ayala had gone through major changes. I reflected on it one afternoon and reckoned that it's a lot like life, or maybe an aspect in my life. And every once in a while, you look back at that aspect and think of the memories that seem to fly like the wind at its speed.

Though sometimes, you look back and decide to linger for a while. It's not that you are desperate at your current life, it's just that those memories increase its value at the passing of time...and holding it in your heart, even for just a while, refreshes the retrospective self.

a bit of Shanghai

2009-01-03T22:41:00.006+08:00

"People there are cold," said a Chinese friend when I told her about my plan to visit Shanghai. My friend had been to Shanghai two times and could surely tell more about this metropolis than I do.

Some said that Shanghai is trying to be like Hongkong, while others said to me that Shanghainese could be rude, all wrapped with what they call the "Shanghai pride."

I don't know much, really. I enjoyed my travel to Shanghai. And yes, I did meet "rude" and "cold" people...but I also met some really fantastic individuals who gave a smile to my face, and even until now, when I think of them, I am so encourage to pray blessings for them. Here are some interesting experiences and observations I had of Shanghai and it's people.

1. Taxi drivers are less friendly compared to those in other cities of China. I am not sure if it's really in there culture, or maybe because they think that time is so precious to waste it to a foreigner like me whose Mandarin is terrible but some taxi drivers in Shanghai don't have the patience, and are not so friendly in dealing with someone like me.

2. Many women in Shanghai smoke. I have seen more than twenty in my less than 24 hours stay there.

3. Traffic could be so bad in narrow streets like those going to the Bund, Sichuan Lu and East Nanjing Lu.

4. Life is fast.

5. There are English menu in restaurants. Good grief!

6. If you are lucky, you would find very accomodating people in Shanghai. Example, the guy who drove me going to Captain's Hostel. When I found out that Captain's Hostel didn't have available room anymore, he helped me find another hotel (and a cheaper one at that!). I asked him if he can drive me to the airport later that night, he said no cos he is going home but recommended a friend who is available to drive me. My stay in Shanghai was awesome because of that man...and also because of two restaurant staffs who were so friendly in serving me food. I felt that these people are not just doing their work, but also putting their heart into it.

7. Fuzhou Lu is like foreigners' haven. I saw so many there.

8. This could be a weird observation...I heard so many middle schoolers with loud laughters. I should know why they laugh so loudly.

9. Though there are stylish touring boats in the Huangpu River, and the Bund is such a gorgeous waterfront, I still couldn't take my eyes off the Huangpu waters --- read: murky. No wonder it is called the "undulating muddy dragon from the mouth of the Yangtze river." It is indeed muddy.

10. I saw several really stylish men.

11. The nice people covered the rude and cold.

Just some observations.

50 ways to leave your worry

2009-01-03T21:40:00.004+08:00

I've learned that one of the greatest thing you can bring with you as you fight against boredom when you travel - waiting for flight boarding or check-in, train or plain traveling, and all the other humdrum in between - is to bring a book with you.

In my latest travel (to Hangzhou and Shanghai), I was accompanied with a book entitled "You've Gotta Be Kidding!" by Mary Hollingsworth. It's a book filled with inspirational stories, quotes and quips. I laveettt! I'm one of those who truly believed that God created laughter and I wanna make full use of it.

I came across page 43 with the page title - 50 ways to leave your worry. I shared this to two students who painstakingly toured me around Hangzhou and now I wanna share it with you, dear readers, no matter how few you may be. I pray that 2009 may be worry free for all of us, that we may learn to accept more and more God's gift of laughter and live lives to the full because in the grand scheme, we are so much loved and cared for.

Here are some ways to leave your worry, may it bless you as it did to me. Cheers for 2009!

1.Give thanks for the sunrise.

2. Stretch.

3. Try yodeling while brushing your teeth.

4. Be friends with positive people.

5. Doodle.

6. Take a deep breath right now.

7. Ask how big your present crisis will seem one year from now. Ten years from now.

8. Skip stones on the water.

9. Make shadow animals on the wall.

10. Practice saying "no" in front of a mirror.

11. Don't know all the answers today.

12. When you can, walk in the rain.

13. When you can, have a water fight.

14. Thank God for a friend's newer car.

15. Duplicate your face on the photocopier, fax it to someone.

16. Praise others.

17. Listen to music with your eyes closed.

18. Build a paper airplane. Throw it.

19. Sing loudly in the car. Roll down the windows.

20. Say hello to strangers.

21. Give the thumbs-up to moving vans.

22. Listen more.

23. Sneeze louder.

24. Read good books more than once.

25. Give a spouse or child a backrub.

26. Get help with jobs you dislike.

27. When on airplanes remove your shoes. Be careful with this one.

28. Plant something each spring.

29. Talk to your kids.

30. Talk to your neighbors.

31. Talk to your plants.

32. Exercise.

33. Smile.

34. Rest this Sunday.

35. Learn a good, clean joke.

36. Be grace full.

37. Play football with a roll of toilet paper.

38. Find a child and read Winnie the Pooh together.

39. Avoid negative people.

40. Buy a flower, smell it before you give it away.

41. Sing in the shower. Use the soap for a microphone.

42. Read a poem.

43. Whistle hymns.

44. Tickle your kids.

45. Try something new.

46. Have an oldies night once a month.

47. Take a humor walk - don't come home until you've laughed about something.

48. Enjoy a good yawm.

49. Thank God for the sunset.

50. Get enough sleep.

P.S. - Pic above were me and my friend Mira during our Christmas party celebration in Tianjin, China.

Hangzhou, earth's paradise

2008-12-30T07:58:00.007+08:00

Hangzhou is a little overcast yesterday, and I guess it will be the same today. What's amazing is that though the skies are cloudy, the beauty of Hangzhou could not be hidden.

Yesterday, I had a boat ride through West Lake, it was cold but worth the ride. And from the boat, we got off at the place where there are lush greeneries, fantastic gardens and awesome mountains. It's a paradise, indeed.

If Hangzhou is a paradise, people here are maybe "angels"? Well, going to the tea museum, I observed that most of the people we met along the road were old people, around 50-60, and they were very welcome when you ask a question or two.

There is a water show in West Lake, just across the Grand Hyatt Hangzhou. We went there at 6:30 but one said that the show starts at 7, so we went to Starbucks, which is just 5 minutes walk from the water show area, to grab some drinks, then get back at 7 when the water show started. I was speechless at how it worked - music, lights, and water...gorgeous!

I have several photos of Hangzhou which I could not post today, and more stories which I could not tell by now. Hopefully I could fill you in with more on my next post.

I realized that I havent updated my blog for several weeks, and these weeks are quite important weeks with happenings like - my birthday, another friend's bithday, Christmas party with Pinoys (where the snow came at 11:30 to add more fun on our party), Christmas dinner (where I begin to appreciate red and white wine), Christmas party with Indonesians (where I discovered I'm good at eating contests, hahaha!) and all the other joys that came in between - yet, I did not blog about them. Am I too lazy to write now? I dunno.

For now, let me enjoy Hangzhou and savor the paradise it offers.

End of the road

2008-12-12T21:25:00.006+08:00

"We have reached the end of the road." I told my last class this afternoon.

Today was my last day for this term. Beginning tomorrow I'm a free lady. Well, I'm still tied up to calculating grades but I don't have to wake up so early and rush with my coffee and run and pant to catch the school bus. I can relax beginning tomorrow.

There's this certain laziness that surrounds winter. It should be because of the cold. My alarm is always set at 5:15, and so I wake up at that time. Then I go back to sleep and wake up at about 30 minutes after, this time I'm already hastening myself to the bathroom, drag myself to the early morning bath, think speedily of what to wear, munch a bread or something while gulping down my coffee. Those, and a lot of other miscellaneous stuff I have to do.

Imagine me sighing a deep breath once I'm settled in the school bus. If those things did not pump up my winter morning, I don't know what else can.

Yet I'm at the end of the road for this term.

No more hustle-bustle morning. I can enjoy my coffee while reading the news in the internet, or do my devotion devoid of a hanging question mark in my head asking what time it is already.

End of the road, when you stop a bit and become cognizant of the fact that you don't have any iota of an idea what's next for you. When you have fear in your heart but at the same breath believe that faith will see you through. When you think about the times you will miss, or the people; but also fantasize about the possibilities of the future.

End of the road. You let go of those that you did not need in the journey and bring with you that which benefits. You take what you learned and throw away that which hurts.

When I think about this "End of the road" moment that I'm experiencing, I think about how, as a kid, I would go back to where I'm from once I realize I'm at the end of the road. But in life it always doesn't work that way. The end of the road doesn't mean turning back but moving on. It doesn't mean you retreat but in fact it means you take heart because there is more to come.

Because the truth is, the end of the road has an opening, a door, but it's only for those who has the eyes to see it, or the heart to know the difference.

cute!

2008-12-12T21:13:00.005+08:00

Isn't this cute? This is a drawing on the whiteboard of my classroom (Room 204). A student drew this while waiting for me to arrive. She is to take her Oral English final exam that day.

I told her I was so happy with what she drew because I looked so pretty. Sweet!

Wait, does this mean I'm going to give her a high mark because of this drawing? You guess! Heheh!

teaching and loving

2008-12-01T20:53:00.007+08:00

I shared to friends a week ago that teaching, for me, has been an up and down ride, like a roller-coaster, if you like. There were days I felt really good at the end of the day. Flashed on my mind were my students' smiles, laughters and funny reactions or statements that made me proud and grateful to be a teacher.

In the meantime, there were frustrating days. I remember going to bed one night, and asking God for help, like really asking, because I felt so weak to deal with teaching stuff on my own.

But both the good days and the bad are part of the package of being a teacher, and I would exchange it for no other.

I know the feeling of how to have a "terror teacher." One that would shake you to your foundations just by one look of a teacher's sharp eyes, or by the piercing words that would hurt so much. So, I don't do that.

I also know of how it is to have a boring teacher, one that would let us read pages of a book in the entire class, or would assign us to report so that she could get away with her responsibility to teach. I'm not saying that assigning students to report/research on some topics is bad, but there are teachers who would use that for the entire term. I don't buy that teaching idea.

So, I'd like to think that I am not a terror teacher, nor a boring one. I have no definite term for what I am as a "laoshi," and it's fine with me to let things go like that.

This term is closing, I actually have less than 2 weeks left. I must admit, I'm emotional again. To tell you honestly, my first term as a teacher, when I found out that I will not be teaching the same students for the next term, I was so disappointed that I almost cried in class (I held back the tears, ok?) when I announced it to the students.

In my second term, because I was busy with the English program in Hyatt International Hotel, I wasn't so much down.

But this term...hay!

I thought I'm good at this already. I thought I'm good at saying goodbye. I'm still not. Or maybe I never will be.

I started giving my final exam this morning. It was an individual Oral exam and so I had the time to speak to students' individually and at the same time get to know them better. As time moved on within the day, It made sense to me that my students' life were interesting to learn about. I wish to follow it, like a person kicking back at the sofa and trying to figure out what's gonna happen next in the ongoing television drama. I wish to know what's gonna happen next with this young lives I've learned to love.

I really don't know if I'm a good teacher. I know some students have looked deep inside of me, of my weaknesses and my emotions, or my strenghts and idealism. Of how I am on a sunny day, or of how my temper gets the better of me when I'm running short of patience.

Yet just now, I realized something. The reason why I will never be able to master the art of saying goodbye to students is that I cannot separate teaching and loving. As I teach students, I learn to love them. It's like I've given them a part of me - of my brain, of my heart.

And the reason it's hard to say goodbye is because it's always hard to let go of something, or someone, you love.

grateful

2008-11-30T23:51:00.012+08:00

Today, I thank God for..

The friend who told me he misses me, because that means that he treasured our friendship.

The Chinese taxi driver who played English RnB songs when he realized that I am a "way guo ren" (foreigner). I really enjoyed the beat, then my phone rung, and even without me signaling him to lower the volume, he immediately did. Sweet!

That little boy in church who asked people to pray for his daddy who's going through medical treatment. "Please pray for my dad so that he can play with me again." That's why Jesus loves children, their eyesights are not blurred and hazy, they know what matters and their needs are simple.

For my friend, John, who doesn't get pissed by my jokes (well, I really hope he doesn't. lol.). After church, I asked him if he is going to join us (me with great Indo friends) for lunch. He said he can't cos he is going to join a friend for lunch. So I asked if he is going with a girlfriend. "No, it's a boy!" I guess John noticed my face turned from a smug glow to a teasing grin.

"So, you're going to have lunch with your boy friend?"

John has been very patient with me when I make fun of him. He is not a funny guy, quite serious actually. For one who is studying Chinese Traditional Medicine for three years, I would say who wouldn't be serious? But the good thing about John is that when I strike a joke at him, or when my fun-loving self gets the better of me, he knows exactly what to tell me, "time for your meds, granny!"

For Indonesian friends. They are happy people - Henny, Helen, Kristine, Iwan, Henry, Ronald and Denny. In the past weeks that I meet with them every Saturday for the Bible study, I've been utterly blessed by how their hearts have been so open for the love of Jesus. And it shows even without them telling me. They are filled with joy. They easily laugh, which makes my time with them very cozy cos I don't have to pull some teeth to make them laugh at my jokes.

I'm thankful to God that I met them. It started in church when I sat behind them and they turned to me and asked if I am from Tianjin University. And the rest, as they say, is history. (By the way, the lunch we had today was fun, we should do it again. Iwan's treat? lol!)

For Suffi. Though we did not see each other today, we kept in touch by sms. I'm thankful for her because God spoke to me many times through my friendship with Suffi.

There was a time when I had my hair cut short and she was with me. I complained about how I don't like the style, et. al, and she asked me, "You don't like changes, do you?" I was speechless because that time God has been speaking to me a lot about changes, and I guess her question confirmed what God has been trying to tell me - to accept changes, to let go of things that I've been holding on so much because though they are not bad in itself, but I don't need them in my journey anymore; to be open for changes in directions because if I'm not then God could never take me to experience new roads and adventures.

It's amazing, I have so many other things to be thankful about, but I couldn't write it all here cos they are soooo many, and my time is running short (it's 12:34 in the morning --- good morning!)

And I realized one thing - a blessed person is a thankful person. I should be writing more here about the people/situations that I am so grateful to have in my life.

Well...sooon.

P.S.

And how can I not thank you - yes, YOU, the one reading this blog right now. If you have gone this far in the blog, then I am blessed by your patience. I am not an engaging storyteller, but you have gone this far to read my thoughts. I am blessed by you!

pic labels (above):
1. Me, John and Suffi. The pic was taken last Summer at church.
2. Bible study with Helen (front) 2nd row - Kristin, Ronald, Suffi, Denny, Iwan, and 3rd row - Henny, Henry and yours truly. ;)

today...

2008-11-28T21:59:00.003+08:00

There are moments in life when it feels so good to cry, or mourn. Moments when you long for your true home with your Savior where you are assured that He will wipe away all the tears from your eyes.

You cried hard, and tears were like raindrops at its utter abandon. At this point, you cannot say any other words, your heart is simply speaking a language of its own. Unfathomable words that only the Maker can understand.

Today, I realized that there is a place in my life, a character in me, an inner court in my heart; where only the Creator can understand. My complexities is known to Him, and nothing is vague in His eyes.

Today, I had a pain in my heart, and I cried and mourned...yet my Anchor remained strong. Steady as a rock.

David and Goliath, and Maricar...

2008-11-19T11:48:00.004+08:00

This maybe a little late already, but who cares.

Last September, my sister, Maricar, took the Philippine Board Exam for Teachers (in the Phils.). I'm not really sure if she was so confident about it, or ready about it, cos for one, she self-reviewed. Others who took the exam spent months in review centers, not to mention paid lots of money for it.

Maricar reviewed at home where our mother could be so talkative at times, or our pet dogs - Aslan and Summer - would take her focus from reviewing, or the internet connection on the living room which can lure at anytime, or some random neighbors who'd buy stuff from the little store we have. Those, and more.

"All glory to God!" my sister said in our chat early this week.

This reminds me so much of the David and Goliath story in the Bible. I was studying and re-reading this story for days now because I'm thinking of sharing this in the Bible study we have here in Tianjin, China.

Goliath has been a fighter from his youth. From the story, I imagine Goliath to be one of those giants we see in wrestling matches - buff, muscular, intense, experienced, overly confident, and invincible.

On the other side of the spectrum is David, a young shepherd, about 16 years old - ruddy and handsome, and haven't had any experience in battle except those animals he killed for carrying sheeps from his flock.

When David approached Goliath, Goliath felt insulted, or so it seems, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks? (1 Samuel 17:43). Goliath cursed David's God and said, "Come here, and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field."

But what made all the difference was David's faith that the battle is the Lord's.

"You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I
come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of
Israel, whom you have defiled. This day, the Lord will hand you over to me, and
I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today, I will give the carcasses of
the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the
whole world will know that there is a good in Israel. All those gathered here
will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle
is the Lord's and he will give all of you into our hands." (1 Samuel
17:45-47)

You probably know the ending. David strucked Goliath using a sling and a stone, no sword or spear.

And that's the great thing about a relationship with the Living God. It gives you confidence in every battle, no matter how shattered your heart is, no matter how small other people think of you, or how huge the task at hand - the battle belongs to the Lord.

It's not that you don't do your part, in fact, it should encourage you to be confident and do your best because your battle is His battle.

In John Mason's book, An Enemy Called Average, he mentioned the difference between David's view of Goliath to that of his brothers. " The brothers looked at the obstacle and figures it was too big to hit, but David looked at the obstacle and figured it was too big to miss."

And so last Sunday, probably a month and a half of waiting for the result, Maricar sent me a message on my mobile saying that she passed the board exam! Great!!!!

I was so happy! I sent messages to all my friends here in Tianjin who helped me pray for Maricar when she was reviewing and when she took the examination.

Congrats, Maricar. All glory to God indeed! He is faithful, and will forever be with you in every battle, in all circumstances. Your victory is His victory...and I'm sure He rejoices over you.

a must-read! --- The Shack

2008-11-12T17:54:00.008+08:00

The book's back cover reads:

"Mackenzie Allen Philip's youngest daughter, Missy, has been abducted
during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered
is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years
later, in the midst of his Great Sadness, Mack receives a suspcious note,
apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend.

Against His better judgement he arrives at the shack on a wintry afternoon
and walks back into his darkest nightmare. What he finds there will change
Mack's world forever."

I cannot remember having cried so hard over a novel as I did with this one. Well, you may not be like me whose tears are so easy, or whose heart can be so sensitive to the "touching" things around her, but I assure you, you will shed a tear or two (or morrreee!) with this novel. You can bank on it.

About this time last week, I was on my way to my room when the receptionist called me and handed a package. I was speechless. I looked at her with an "are-you-sure-this-is-for-me?" look (that's the best I can do until now, hehehe). So then I read the sender, and indeed the package was for me. It was from a friend in California, and inside the package was this book with a dedication from the author itself. I was soooo happy!

"Catherine, joy will find its way - Paul (William Young)"

An article about this novel, The Shack , had been published in New York Times, and indeed this book is a # 1 New York Times bestseller with over one million copies in print (and counting) already.

And you know what? I finished the book in just 3 nights, well, it could have been just one day if I weren't working. Obviously, this book is really good, otherwise I wouldn't have devoured it in just 3 nights. Nights when I could have snored early. Every page is worth it, the tears I shed were tears of freedom, understanding (about God) and prayer.

I'm not gonna give away the plot of The Shack here but let me just encourage you a little bit more about this book, and share to you what happened to me after flipping pages from beginning to end...

You will never look at God the same way again when you read this book. This book has the capacity to free the captives, and insult the religious. This book will dig truths about life and God, deeper and deeper it goes until you realize that the questions of the main character Mackenzie Allen Philips (about God, life, problems, tragedy, et. al.) were also your questions, and you will cry because his healing is your healing; and his victory is your victory.

And to quote one part of the book:

"Seriously, my life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my
follower is not trying to 'be like Jesus,' it means for your independence to be
killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We will come
and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and
hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But,
we will never force that union on you. If you want to do your thing, have
at it. Time is on our side." (-Jesus, The Shack)

So now it is my prayer, that I may be His hand, His eyes, His ears...that I may always be - HIS.

the light of His presence

2008-10-21T22:46:00.004+08:00

Rainbows, such as this one produced by artificial light shone on an icy Niagara
Falls, are just one special effect of light, a marvel that reveals the world to
us. Light sets our biological clocks. It triggers in our brains the sensation of
color. Light feeds us, supplying the energy for plants to grow. It gives us
life-changing tools, from incandescent bulbs to lasers and fiber optics.
Scientists don't fully understand what light is or what it can do. They just
know that it will illuminate our future.

(Text adapted from and photo shot on assignment for, but not published in, "The Power of Light," October 2001, National Geographic magazine)

I read somewhere before that nature is our first missionary. And I agree to it. How many times have I felt so small when I look at the sky above, or when I gaze at a full moon.

Here in Tianjin, the sunsets are awesome. I was once on a bus talking to a Chinese friend when we passed by a lake with many trees surrounding it and as my Chinese friend asked me to look at the sun, the timing was perfect for I saw the magnificent reflection of the sun on the lake, and the sturdy trees around it swayed to the lullaby of the wind. I was almost in tears because earlier that day, I prayed to God that He would surprise me with His beauty. And that was one of His many answers.

Sometimes, we get used to the amazing nature around us that we don't even consider what it wants to say to us. Nature speaks, loudly in fact.

Consider the marvelous rainbows after a drizzle, or the blooming flowers at Springtime...don't you ever asked yourself where they come from? How about the stars above sparkling brightly on a Summer night? Or the rocks that glimmer on a clear, clean river?

All these, and more, points to Him, our Creator.

Sadly, many of us missed the point. Many tried to explain why such beauty exist; and cracked their heads for they could not find the formula, the reason, the understanding, the knowledge behind all they saw and discovered. And in the end they say there is no God? It's just unacceptable to some that many things of this world are way beyond what our brain can hold.

the talking whale (on writing)

2008-10-19T22:17:00.004+08:00

Enjoyed an engaging story tonight - Finding Neverland starred by Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet and Freddie Highmore.

To let out a secret, I'm a Freddie Highmore fan. I love him in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And in his latest movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles, he played the characters of twins Jared and Simon; and I was swept by how he did the parts so well.

Not to digress to what this entry is all about, I have something here lifted from Finding Neverland when Peter (Freddie Highmore) told the playwright Mr. Barrie (Johnny Depp) that he has no idea what to write. And Mr. Barrie has this to say:

"Write about anything. Write about your family. Write about the talking
whale."

"What whale?" Peter asked.

"The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out."

Very well said, Mr. Barrie!

on writing...

2008-10-19T18:09:00.002+08:00

"You don't write because someone sets assignments! You write because you
need to write, or because you hope someone will listen, or because writing will
mend something broken inside you, or bring something back to life..."

- Jay Mackintosh in Joanne Harris' Blackberry Wine

captivating

2008-10-18T23:18:00.010+08:00

Women loves to eat. Everyone knows that. Lunching with (clockwise from left) Joy, Ren, (me), Mary-Ann, Ruby, Mira, Bonie and Mars.

Before celebrating Mary-Ann's bday, Mr. Yun, our Korean friend, posed with us: With me are(clockwise from left) Joy, Bonie, bday celebrator Mary-Ann, Ren, Mr. Yun and Ruby.

"Women friends become the face of God to one another - the face of grace, of
delight, of mercy."

"We birth life in others by inviting them into deeper realms of healing, to deeper walks with God, to deeper intimacy with Jesus. A woman is not less of a woman because she is not a wife or has not physically borne a child. The heart and life of a woman is much more vast than that. All women are made in the image of God in that we bring forth life. When we enter into our world and into the lives of those we love and offer our tender and strong feminine hearts, we cannot help but mother them."

-by John and Stasi Eldredge, Captivating (Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul)

Every Saturday, I'm blessed to have a group of women whom I can share my life with, and at the same time they share their lives with me. It is always inspiring, comforting, and encouraging. We would laugh, or even cry, share experiences, problems, frustrations, disappointments, and whatnots. We pray for each other, worship the Lord together and talk, talk and talk.

Every week we share our hearts to each other, every week I see the face of God - a face of grace, of delight, and of mercy through these women.

And it is always... captivating.

the waggish, or the honest answer (about singlehood)

2008-10-18T13:37:00.008+08:00

A month ago, I bought 120 pairs of chopsticks in Beijing and sent it home and asked my sister to embellish it for a friend's wedding souvenir. This morning, that friend, who is to tie-the-knot this December chatted with me in ym to say her thanks.

And in the middle of the chat, she asked about my lovelife.

It's not like I'm new to this, no. In fact, I'd like to think that I have become so good at answering such query by digressing the issue and making it appear like I'm joking. Which I really am. Whoever says that we have to be so dead serious about being single?

In the world of singletons where one would enter a restaurant and signal the waiter, "table for one, please!", life is an adventure that will soon reach it's summit when one finds "the one". I'm saying that because for some time I imagined my life to be much better when "the one" is beside me experiencing the same thing that I'm having, say, traveling. I used to think that traveling would be much better if "the one" is beside me - pics beside me, hoping in to a new restraurant with me, or telling me where we will go next. Those were thought bubbles that seem so exciting to think about but remained, as they are - unreal.

But time has a gift of wisdom in itself, and I have learned that those moments were mere deception that took away my gratitude to where God has planted me at the moment.

So, when my friend threw in the proverbial question, "how is your love life?", I gave a waggish answer, as always, because to those who are outside the world of singletons, my sentiments may not sound so sensible.

But if I were to give an honest answer, it would be...

I have no love life, if you were asking about someone special, but I do have a life and this life might be so different (and filled with ennui) to some. It's a life of being single that I have come to love and live fully. It's a season of life where I hold on to God's purpose in me even when there are times that I find myself debating about that purpose. It's a season of hope even as time of hopelessness strikes every now and then. It's a season of discovering many things - about myself, my surroundings and about God. It's the season of ups and downs and up again, and a season of waking up late in the weekend morning without having to think of someone being hungry besides oneself. It's a season of freedom which means that I have to guard myself even more and be single-minded with God to be able to follow His ways of purity and chastity. There are times that my being single becomes a center of attention, a root of jocosity and humour, or even of curiosity and "grilling."

But all of it I love and would not exchange for anything else.

I have learned to take my lot without flinching, and with God's grace will I hold on to this until God knows when. I know what I'm worth and I don't sell myself cheap to someone who doesn't get it. I know who I am and that makes all the difference because I no longer care about the things I don't have. The world may say that a lover completes a life, but thankfully, I see the world in a different sight now...and know that nothing in this world can complete me.

I am single now, and may remain so for a long time, or maybe for the rest of my life; or maybe I won't be single for long - who knows but God! Thing is --- we all are at different stages of life, some are singles, some married, some in a relationship, the difference however, is in knowing the purpose of where we are and the anchor that we're holding unto as we trudge on.

So how's my love life? Which answer would you like me to give then...?

the love that never lets me go

2008-10-12T22:36:00.005+08:00

One of the many times when I want to write something but I can't. I feel like my mind has many things to share but can't point out anything in particular.

I wanted to share about the laughter and tears in last night's group sharing, of the beauty of God's grace reflected upon all stories. And I was reminded again, I would try to be really good so that God would love me but I know I could never be good enough and I know there's nothing that I will do that'll make me less lovable. That's the beauty of having something that cannot be earned by yourself. It's humbling.

Or on the truth I received this morning..."Be bold in your prayers," David Rout preached. Many times I've been passive, thinking that the bad things that happened is natural and I should learn something from them, its a very positive way of thinking but I could also be bold in my prayers - that's the priviledge of having Jesus as the savior. I don't need to slaughter sheeps for sacrifice, I can simply come to Him, and be honest towards Him, and then surrender to Him.

David Rout also shared about some people who confessed that they know God but they only go as far as knowing God in their heads but not in their hearts.

And I thought about my personal walk with the Lord. Everyone knows its not easy to follow Christ. There were times when some people would tell me how I should follow Christ, they want me to follow their steps and standards. I struggled many times, and always Jesus would come to set me free.

One thing I learned is that following Christ is based on a personal relationship with Him...and that's why I have fallen in love with Jesus. He gave me faith, and so I hold on to faith as I talk to Him. And that faith sends me beside Him, with Him listening to what I'm saying.

He is not someone who would condemn me with my mistakes but He would always see things in the light of His love. He is not like other people, He forgives and forgets. He is not stuck on old ruts.

He trusted me too much, believes in me hugely...even if He knows I could not be trusted.

He understands my humanity - my laziness, my weaknesses and my faults. I can be myself with Him. He is the God who sees me and I don't have to put on anything for Him to love me. I can be wholly me and He loves me still.

And, Jesus knows I am so undone...and He never gives up on me.

It used to be that I would be touched with what Jesus did to those people in the Bible. But now He is more than the pages of that book. I know about His love for I'm experiencing it in my life. He is real to me.

If people would ask me about religion, theology and stuff, I would be sorry to say that I don't know much about those things. One thing I know - that He loves me, and His love never lets me go.

Now I'm writing. ;)

of the early cold and afternoon slumber

2008-10-07T23:35:00.012+08:00

The liaison officer from the school told me two weeks ago that they're unloading from me some classes which means that I'm off Tuesday afternoons (aside from having my days-off on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday) coz they're giving these classes to the new foreign teachers.

I beamed at the idea. In my mind, I was thinking of blogs and books and tea and coffee, or movies, or self-study of some Chinese words.

And so this afternoon, after my "so-so" late lunch composed of chewy (Chinese) pancakes with fried eggs mixed with shrimps (okay, I was lost with what I ordered); I left the restaurant thinking about the books I would be reading for the afternoon - Tad William's The War of the Flowers, Kris Valloton's The Supernatural Ways of Royalty or the classic I'd recently borrowed from the school library - Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights.

The wind blew against my face as I walked out of the restaurant. It was cold. Last week, the temperature dropped to 7 degrees celsius which is quite early compared to last year's. Once inside my room, I felt the inevitable cold as well. The whole heating system in the Northern part of China officially functions starting November 15 of each year. I hate the heater from my room's AC but have to use it every once in a while to warm my room. There's no stopping for winter but I never expected autumn cold to be this early.

After an hour or two, I was sitting on my bed and was reluctant about what to do. My mind wanted to read but it seemed like my bed was calling me.

That's the thing about the cold, you see. It makes you lazy, well, at least for me it does. It's like some parts of me are frozen or something. I grabbed a book in the shelf and placed it above the bed to remind me to read it but several minutes after, I was off catching some zzzzz. Sorry, book.

Did I tell you that I felt cold so I covered myself with the blanket and...and...well...I fell asleep.

I awoke to the familiar voices of other foreign teachers who were talking on the hallway, outside my room. I thought it was morning and wondered why they were up so early. I grabbed my cellphone and looked at the time. It's 7:51 - in the evening!

I thought of the books that I should be reading and figured I'll read it later, unless I get busted with the cold again.

The famous Russian writer Alexander Pushkin wrote about the cold in Autumn:

"When gracious autumn comes, my heart feels gay and
light,
I am alive once more...Benign and salutary
Our Russian cold is, friends. My sleep, my appetite
It benefits, I vow. My very step grows airy;
The daily rounds of life brings me renewed delight;
Desires within me seethe...I'm young again and merry.
So am I built, so made, for which dull turns of speech
Your pardon, readers mine, herewith do I beseech."

Here's wishing I could say the same...cheers!

God puts a butterfly in my heart

2008-10-05T00:13:00.004+08:00

The air
Sending movements
To its graceful wings

It flutters
Dancing through
Thousands of flowers

If you ever see
My spirit traveling from
Here to there

It’s because
God puts a butterfly
In my heart

Here it is
free and spirited
Rising up to the earth’s colors

Bouncing to
the rhythms of life
singing to its melody

And my laughter
Reaches through your ears
And you asked why it’s loud

It’s because
God puts a butterfly
In my heart

Don’t ask me
Why I cannot stay
The same way each day

Or why
I’m itching to reach
the long and friendly horizon

And then I flew
Threw my smile to the wind
And you asked me why it changes you

It’s because
God puts a butterfly
In my heart

My love,
Look at the sparkle
In the middle of my eyes

See how
I open wide my arms
To the lovely sun above

Have you
Not noticed this?
Have you not wondered why?

It’s because
God puts a butterfly
In my heart

*acp/feb26,2008

contemplation from Hongkong, or whatever

2008-10-04T13:30:00.018+08:00

*Some ideas in this entry are lifted from my multiply site - http://cathyperez.multiply.com. I went to Hongkong July 19-21 of this year before I went back to the Philippines for an almost 2-month vacation.

At 9pm, Hongkong streets sizzle with lights, vendors and shoppers.

At The Peak Gallery. A date with Bruce Lee, nah! You're next, Brad Pitt!

I was in HK for four days - July 18-21 - and was overwhelmed by HK Lifestyle. Not that I want to live there, because to be honest I would not, but those tall buildings (HK is 75% rock so they're pretty confident for high-rise buildings), the astounding lights at night, the hordes and hordes of people in shopping districts at 11 pm, and the way strangers would drop a pick-up line just to know you more...Hongkong is, to me, an unfamiliar ground yet also familiar in a way that you'll see Filipinos there, especially on Sunday (hundreds and hundreds are around on Worldwide in Central).

I met my friend Cathy and her family on the 18th, and after that I was pretty much on my own. I managed to take the MTR (train) on my own from downtown shopping districts to my hotel (Newton Hotel in Ngau Tau Kok, I was on the 23rd floor...really fantastic view of the city) which I really enjoyed though it was so confusing at first because of the many interconnections. Bargaining was fun, I have learned how to dramatized bargaining in Tianjin and Beijing so it wasnt that hard in Hongkong. When I asked a price and the vendor would give a price, say 300, I bargain the half price - 150. Then when the vendor wrestles and would not agree, I would then turn away, at that time the vendor would call me again and we would arrive at a very agreable price. Quite cheeky, right? Heheheh!

Hongkong, as everybody knows, is a shopping haven; and a busy city fused with different nationalities. It could very well be a city that never sleeps, what with hundreds of people still "chilling" at 1 or 2 am. I would say it is a real adventure that I had in Hongkong because like many people, I could not help but walk fast. And for one who is a stranger to this city, I walked wherever my feet takes me. I looked for the MTR or the subway whenever I felt like I need to go back to my hotel.

On my second day, for lunch, I find it strange that an old guy joined me in my table. I know that with Chinese, they really don't mind people joining - it's in their culture. But to me that time, I was taken aback because there were 6 other tables that were vacant. Why wouldn't he go there?

I could not, for the life of me, understand that until this time. I guess it takes a Chinese to understand such actuation.

Also, I'm sure that many travelers (especially Filipinos) in Hongkong would love Cafe De Coral. Oh, I love the food there...yummy! (sorry, the food that we ordered escaped me already so I could no longer remember)

With my friend Cathy and her son in Central the day I arrived in Hongkong.

And oh, I should say that I soooo love the subway in Hongkong. It's very convenient and though at first you get confused with how it works, but later on as you get used to it - you would absolutely love it!

That and with so many stories to add to my single life's adventures. Each and every journey, every travel, I always ended up being enriched, knowing a little more about life and God, about human behaviors and the beauty of everything around me and facing many other stuffs that lies within my heart. Thus, it's more of a spiritual journey to me.

***

captions (for pics without caps above): The IF Tower, the highest in HK with 88 floors.../Yummy adventure at Cafe de Coral.

Places, places, places!

Mongkok - shopping to death!

Central - Hoarded with Filipinos every Sunday

The Peak - best place to go at night

Avenue of the Stars - best place to go at night, too (although I went there in the morning, well, next time)

Aberleen - interesting

Victoria Harbour - take the boat ride!

Yu Mai Tai - a place I walked just to kill time

Tsim Cha Tsui - countless shops (there are many expensive ones) and hotels

Postscript: I need to share this story, I hope we could learn a thing or two from this.

I was in a cosmetic shop called Sasa in Central when I can't help but listen to the conversation of the two ladies next to me. They are Filipinos, I could tell (by their looks and the strong Filipino accent in their English).

Okay, I forgave their uber-loud voice, and I forgave how they acted as if they are rich (cos maybe they are). What I couldn't stand was how they have to pretend like they are native English speakers! Can't they talk to each other in Tagalog? They are both Filipinos, for crying out loud! I noticed the other girl even had a hard time talking and had to pause and think for like 5-10 seconds before saying the next word.

A Filipino proverb kept ringing on my ears, I felt like any minute Jose Rizal would awoke out from his grave..."Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, ay mahigit pa sa mabaho at malansang isda." (One who doesn't know how to love her own mother language is worst than a stinky, rotten fish.)

How can I be so sure that they're Filipinos?

Because later, as they tried to describe something in English but found it hard...they started speaking in Tagalog.

Hay, pastilan!

Feng Huang

2008-10-04T11:05:00.012+08:00

* This is a travel article I wrote which was published in Sun.Star Cebu February 7 of this year.

The morning when we left Feng Huang. The snow had subsided but it was so chilly.

The Wunshou Palace at night. Sweet!

Feng Huang

It may have been the relaxing sound of flowing water from the Toujiang River, or the age-oldedifices reminiscent of the Ming and Qing dynasties, or because of its people – friendly and simple – with its laid-back lifestyle, that convinced me that Feng Huang would be a place I would love to visit again and again.

HOW THE CITY GOT ITS NAME

Houses along the Tuojiang River

Legend has it that long, long time ago, two phoenix birds happened upon a place so glorious that they were deeply enticed by its beauty, never wanting to leave. Now, the place is called Feng Huang, the Chinese word for phoenix, the mythical bird known to be a harbinger of good omens and possessing the power to rise from the ashes after being consumed by fire. A county in China’s southern Hunan province, Feng Huang is said to be one of the most beautiful towns in China. It was first built on 1203 and was turned into a brick city by 1556. Decades after, in 1715, Feng Huang became a stone city. Until now, the original structures,especially those from the Ming and Qing dynasties, have been preserved, even with modern streets enveloping the old town.

UPON ARRIVAL

Mountains dappled with winter fog met me and my friends when we arrived. It was an eight-hour train ride from Hunan’s capital Changsha to the town of Jishou, followed by a two-hour bus ride to Feng Huang. The foggy weather was not a good sign for travelers and villagers alike, for it meant that it could rain and snow anytime soon. I was told that the perfect time to visit Feng Huang was during the summer, when one could enjoy the scenery sans the chilly weather. The entire Hunan province has no heating system to keep you warm, especially at night. Even so, the beauty of Feng Huang is constant all year round, regardless of season.

Wooden houses sit on stilts, restaurants and shops straddle along the banks of Tuojiang River while three bridges span across it. Also in sight were women washing clothes with wooden paddles or ladles in hand, and travelers doing any, if not all, of these three things: taking pictures of the Toujiang river and its vicinity, dressing up like Miao villagers (for friends to take pictures), or taking a boat ride to see the entire river scenery in one sitting.

There were alleyways paved with large flagstones on Stone street. Nearby were meandering passageways to rows and rows of shops, restaurants and street vendors. Art enthusiasts will enjoy the art shops along these rows. In several coffee shops, one can hang out with friends or simply

Me in Miao attire. It was chilly and cold but I managed to smile.

read a book. My favorite dinner haunt is Yi Jiang Yue Bar, where I spent most of my time reading travelers’ notes and letters posted on its walls.

Dominated by a Miao minority, Miao culture is prevalent in this small town and it is not a surprise for one to see a person with baskets on his back, slung like a knapsack;or women dressed in traditional Miao costume – headdress glinting with lustrous silver, brightly-colored tunic and trousers, embroidered bodices mottled with color, allaccented with silver jewelry.

FENG HUANG BY NIGHT

At night, Feng Huang city vibrates with color. The sight of Wanshou Palace, Rainbow Bridge, the old pagoda and the edifices near the riverbanks dressed in lights with hues of red, orange, blue and green, speaks of a city capable of transforming itself from a serene natural beauty by day to a vivacious charmer by night.

Another interesting thing to do by the riverbank at night, besides taking pictures and bargaining at shops, is offering a prayer. Candles are placed on a paper plate with flower design and are available along the riverbanks. You may light a candle and let it float on the river while you say your prayers. It is believed that doing so will make yourdreams come true and answer your prayers.

Vendors selling jade and silver jewelries

BEYOND THE CITY

Beyond Feng Huang, an hour or so away, is the heart of the Miao villages. I learnedthat the Miao minority has retained their spoken language,but not their writtensystem. A Miao gesture of hospitality includes offering rice wine to every visitor inthe village. Along the way to the Miao performing hall, old folk greeted me whilethey were preparing to make silver jewelry. Several steps further, some folk sold batikcloths at a very reasonable price. Miao houses, though old and shabby, reflect the inhabitants’ humble and unassuming lifestyle. Another sight to see not far from the Miao villages is the Southern Great Wall. This wall is different from the Great Wall that lies in the northern part of China. It is 190-kilometers long with 848 perplexed blockhouses, a living testimony to the 400-year struggle and battles of the local townsmen.

Tianglongxia Canyon on the east of Feng Huang city, 24 kilometers away, is Feng Huang’s National Geopark. The canyon stretches 2.5 kilometers and is famous for its “dangerous and peculiar steep slopes”. Though a hike from the entrance of the park to the Qiansi spring is a challenge to travelers, it is both satisfying and breathtaking to be able to witness the grandeur of nature right before your eyes. One can see countless waterfalls, fantastic rock formations, ladder-like slopes, the Karst spring on a faulted cliff, and the Qiansi spring which sprays water in thousands of silver threads.

Poor pigs...i thought it interesting to post this.

SAYING GOODBYE

We left Feng Huang as the snow subsided. It was early morning, when the city was about to stir. I felt a sense of connection to it, maybe because in many ways the peoples’ attitude towards life touched me. The whole place’s beauty somehow felt like it was begging me to explore it more, and the Tuojiang river, though cold in the winter weather, was like a friend encouraging me to flow on amidst life’s ever changing times.

As the sound of crisp snow beneath my every step told me that I was about to leave, I thought of the mythical phoenix birds in the legend of long ago. In a way, they became alive in me…because like them I was enchanted, never wanting to leave.

February 7, 2008

Sun.Star Cebu

by: Cathy Perez

(note: pictures in this post are not exactly the pictures that appeared in print.)

and some things are the same

2008-10-03T14:18:00.007+08:00

One of the books I'm currently reading is from a popular travel writer Paul Theroux. Theroux's book, Riding the Iron Rooster by Train Through China is, as stated by the book cover, "an eye-opening and entertaining account of travels in old and new China".

And for someone who's been residing in China for a year now, I often found myself nodding to the thoughts and observation of Paul Theroux.

Here's the catch though...the book was published on 1987.

Nevertheless, some things are the same here in China. And here are some of my thoughts together with quotes from Paul Theroux's Iron Rooster (in random from different pages) thoughts/tidbits that I agree with because even as time passed by, they still remain the same.

1. Chinese cannot hide their interest in anything.

"The Chinese never seemed to hide their interest in anything. They stared frankly - when I opened my wallet they peered in, when I unzipped my bag a crowd gathered to look at my laundry. They are seldom alone; usually they were part of a watching crowd, which made it all possible. They were riveted by the freakish and the pathetic." (page 213)

I laughed when I read that passage. Why? Because I experienced the same thing on my train travels. One time when I was on the train from Guangdong going to Tianjin, I never said one word because I know I am going to be the center of attention in the train if one Chinese ever finds out I'm a foreigner (it's easy for me to pretend I'm Chinese cos I'm Asian looking). After a couple hours of what I thought was a success in hiding my true identity as a foreigner, one woman asked me something. At first I tried to pretend that I did not hear her, but she persisted and asked many questions so I told her that I am sorry cos I can't understand what she said cos I'm a foreigner (Duibuqi, Wo ting pudong. Wo shi way guo ren). Then everyone in my part of the train stared at me. And it was like that for the next 20 hours on the train. When I awoke the next morning, I saw the woman opposite my bunk staring at me as I opened my eyes. I looked at the person on the bunk up next to her's and he was staring all the same. I pulled my sheet up my head and went back to sleep.

2. The friendliness of the Chinese.

"Their attentions were sometimes bewildering, as when they leaned over my shoulder trying to read what I was scribbling into my notebook, or pressed their damp faces against my book, fascinated by the English words. But their curiosity and goodwill were genuine, and in general they were hospitable towards strangers and reasonably candid." (page 300)

This one is, in a way, connected to the one above. Yes, Chinese people are so friendly. If you've been reading my travel thoughts in Beijing you would know what I mean. Their attention could sometimes be bewildering cos they are constantly curious of someone or something that are not the same as them. I would speak English to one restaurant attendant and all the rest would gather to listen to my English. It's fun at times, but then later on you would like to be just normal and not to gather too much attention to how poor you are in your Chinese. I'm speaking for myself in here.

3. Ice cream for winter.

"People shopped, bought frozen food (melons, meat, bread) and licked ice cream. That was the most popular snacks in Harbin - vanilla ice cream. And the second most popular were small cherry-sized "haws" (hawthorn berries) which they coated with red goo and jammed on twigs." (page 318)

The quote above was Paul Theroux's observation in Harbin. I have gone to Harbin myself and I observed the same thing (aside from the fact that women in Harbin likes their hair to be really, really curly it almost look like they are wigs and not an ordinary hair). It was freezing cold outside and you'll see people joyfully eating ice cream (and some would pair ice cream with spicy barbecue, talk about an adventurous combination). My friends in Harbin asked me if I would like to try it out. The wind blew against my face and it felt like my face was slashed with a razor blade. I said yes to my friends and off we go. Very cold ice cream on my left hand, and the very spicy barbecue on my left. I survived!

4. Loud is natural.

"And they talked very loudly in that deaf, nagging and interrupting way, as if no one ever listened to them and they have to shout in order to be heard." (page 217)

Chinese people could be shy. I attest to that in the silence of my students when I start to ask something in class, or in how low their voices are in oral recitations. But in the restaurants, internet cafes, in buses and trains and in other public places - Chinese would talk very loudly. In other countries, or in the Philippines, one would get the attention of the staff in the restaurant by waiting to see him/her eye-to-eye then giving a signal that one would order, in China, people would shout "fuwuyuan!!!!" (meaning helper, attendant, staff). They talk loudly all at the same time and would smoke inside restaurants and internet cafes.

sweet morning treat

2008-10-03T12:59:00.005+08:00

Woke up late this morning but was surprised to see a note in the kitchen from another foreign teacher, Nina. She's off to Beijing but has asked me and Alex (another foreign teacher) to help ourselves with some pear soup on the fridge.

I tasted it, and yummy it was!

Thank you Lord for the sweet morning treat through Nina.

online proposal

2008-10-02T23:39:00.019+08:00

Some weeks ago, an online friend asked me if I could be his girlfriend.

With the world bridging the distance amongst people by the power of the internet, you can't help but meet people on-line who are interested to find someone special - online.

It took me days to respond to that person's e-mail. It's not that I did not know my answer because I did, and I had no confusion whatsoever on what I feel towards this person. Here are some of my considerations, important considerations before starting a relationship:

1. Friendship first. Friendship is very important to me before anything else. I read a book before that says love is like a long-stemmed rose, the stem is the friendship and the rose is the love. Without the stem (friendship), the rose (love) would die because all the sustenance that keeps the rose alive is through the stem.

2. No long distance, please. I used to think that a long distance relationship is fine. And I mean the long distance relationship that is really long distance from the very start, you haven't seen this person, you just met him online and work it out online. Maybe it works for some people but I don't think it is for me. Now if I already know the person in real life and we have to work out a long-distance one after, then that's a completely different story.

3. Common interest. I need someone who believes in the same thing that I believe in, especially in my spirituality. They say that opposites attract, nice one, but at the core of the relationship, what keeps it holding on is what is common - the values and what a couple believes in. Just a two-cents.

4. Sincerity. I am 27 and is not looking for someone who is just playing. Go look for one somewhere else. Understand?

5. Intelligence. If you are to be with me for a long haul, then might as well have lots of interesting stuff in your mind because I can't stand shallowness, if there is such a word.

I guess I can add a few other things on what I mentioned above but that will do for now. And for that online guy, I did respond to him so he got his answers. And I guess you can figure out what it was.

That's another one on my "Charge to singlehood experience" list.

the passion of this poem

2008-09-30T11:30:00.004+08:00

I've been lost with this poem several times already. I feel the passion, the purity, the authentic love, the honesty, and the commitment that goes with writing this poem. Love, in this poem, is sacred and holy, and something that reaches for eternity, something full of hope, and faith.

How do I love thee? Let me count the
ways...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right,

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lose saints, ---I love thee with the breadth,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.
***
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

the Beijing experience, and some randoms (part 3)

2008-09-30T09:34:00.018+08:00

Lovely Water Cube and Birds Nest. Can't wait to see them at night. Soon.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. An unforgettable Beijing experience. Here with Ren.

An interesting wine, indeed. What with a snake inside!

At the Ming Dynasty Wax Museum. In 1449 of the Ming Dynasty when the Qirats caught Ming's empedimenta and imperial concubines were captured. This signifies the fall of the dynasty.

Compared to other cities in China, Beijing has the most number of Chinese who can speak English. And for one who can't speak Chinese, it's a sigh of relief to be able to receive hospitality from those Chinese that can speak English. If you have no idea how hospitable a Chinese could be, let me clue you in and point out some examples.

On my travel to Harbin, one family connected to a student of mine in the university literally adopted me - dinner with the family, lunch, tour around the city and some other sweet things that goes with it. I was about to check in to a certain hotel when I arrived there when they asked me to check out and went with me to another hotel where I had 50% discount in my 4 days of stay. Never have I felt so pampered and taken care of, it's almost like I'm a princess or something. Really.

I was with students to the South of China, also early this year. I could not believe how much they cared for me. This has its own disadvantages also. I, at some point, felt like they're invading my privacy. You see, space to me is very important. I always needed space, and somehow they don't know a lot about that. They can be too focused on keeping you satisfied and good without realizing that they're invading a personal space already.

And for a foreigner to travel in some cities in China, although it can be depressing to look for someone who speaks English but once you find one, he/she will make sure that you get the answers to your question. Even if that Chinese doesn't know the answer, he/she will find it out for you. They will never walk away unless you're satisfied. That's true 90% of the time.

And so in Beijing, we met several people who were so generous of their time to us. On our way to Qianmen Lu, when we have just gotten a ride from the Beijing South Railway, a couple helped us out and was with us from the 2 buses to the subway. The woman was even kind enough to write down the details of the ride, like the bus numbers and stops, in Chinese and pinyin at that. Three students, perhaps on their way to a mall, or to their houses; walked with us for, say, 20 minutes just to make sure we get the right buses and stops on our way back to Tianjin.

It's not hard to travel in China cos Chinese people are always ready to lend a helping hand. That's one thing I like about them. Of course there always will be culture differences, culture clashes even, but that's always true wherever you are in the world.

Going back to the Beijing travel. The tour includes a visit to the Ming Dynasty Wax Museum. Lifesize "wax" statues are there, though I don't think they are really made of wax. The we also went to another place, a supermarket of traditional Chinese products. It was there that I saw this wine with a snake inside. Whatever it's function, I dare not ask. I took photos, and somehow explained it to myself that it's a wonder-medicine, for some reasons.

Tired of the whole travel, me and my friends refused to go to another jewelry shop. We decided to just stay outside, for the bus driver somehow explained that we could not stay inside the bus. Alas, when we arrived in Qianmen Lu, my stomach was already grumbling, and it reminded me of the worst lunch ever. Truly unforgettable.

Dinner was at a Korean Restaurant with accomodating staff who does either of the two - shouts to greet the customers, or delivers wrong orders. My friend complained for what was given to her, and several minutes after a Chinese woman seated beside our table also complained of what she got.

Several minutes of rest in the hotel and we are ready to go to the Olympic Stadium. I know for a fact that these places - the Water Cube and Birds Nest - shines its best at night. A staff in the hotel gave us directions, and we were so ready for the night's adventure when, when, when, when it rained. We were stuck in an underway towards the East Tian'anmen Subway Station. And we decided to go back.

And what followed was another unforgettable. With my camera safely wrapped and tucked in my armpit, we ran back to the hotel. Yes, we ran. It was still raining, and none of us carried an umbrella. So...running was swell. The fun part was that there were many people who did the same. So while running, I tried my best not to bump into other people. It was like a physical activity induced with the quickness of mind. I laughed hard almost bumping into people as they also tried their best not to bump me. And mind you, there were so many people there, thousands are there in that street, people from different nationalities. I sure would not mind bumping into a real cute guy though.

We never made it to the Birds Nest and Water Cube that night. We went to these places the next day. We took the number 2 Olympic Line bus, again for 1RMB, and got off at exactly the same place. The two places are beside each other, gigantic and real sights to behold.

Across the Water Cube and Birds Nest is the Pan Gu 7-star Hotel. Another sight to behold.

Post Script:

1. Since we are way-guo-ren (foreigners), we paid a higher price than the local Chinese. You see, we paid 8RMB for a squid barbecue when a local Chinese only paid 5.

2. As the capital and a bustling city, not to mention the venue of the 2008 Olympic games, prices in Beijing are far more expensive than where I'm based - Tianjin (except for the transpo fares). One liter of water in Tianjin is 3.5RMB. Surprise, it's 5RMB in Beijing!

3. Contrary to what I expected, not every taxi driver in Beijing knows how to speak English. We took a taxi ride to Silk Street, that was our first and last taxi ride for this certain travel, and the taxi driver never said anything. He nodded when I showed him the address from my cellphone and smiled when we got off. Though I have to say that his driving skill was excellent.

4. Beijing is a perfect representation of the ancient and the modern China. Pagodas and temples are everywhere, whilst big malls and shopping districts are everywhere, too. It's a city of 13-15 million people, and they too are representations of the old and new China.

the Beijing experience, and some randoms (part 2)

2008-09-29T23:53:00.008+08:00

I could not believe it took me ages to update this blog for the part 2 of the Beijing experience. I know I love writing, that's for sure. But there are things that I do need to do first. I had this talk with a Chinese friend and I told him how much I love writing, and that I would go back to it even if I know I'm not that best in it or even if I know I don't have the chance anymore. And he said that, yeah, we all have our own passion...but we also need to live.

Bulls-eye!

So, I'll try my very best to recall the exciting things in Beijing. For one, I love the cost of their transportation there. It is crowded, and indeed it's part of the package. But for the mrt, its 2RMB wherever you go, and 1RMB for the buses. Very reasonable.

One unforgettable experience was in climbing the Great Wall. Years ago, I would look at the painting of the Great Wall and somehow in my heart I have a secret desire to one day step into it not only with the fleeting charm of my imagination but on being all there and basking on its grandeur.

Me and 3 other friends joined a tour group to go to the Wall. And since we were like chance passengers cos of our last minute booking, we joined the Chinese group instead of those with the foreigners. And you will know later why I deem it important to mention that here.

And so, we were in the gates of Badaling and decided to take the right side instead of the left. The steps are steep, and it was a little frightening to look down. A part of me said I should give up, but another part said..."hey, you've waited for this...you're here...go for it!"

And guess which voice won?

I don't wanna sound schizophrenic, dear one. You can relate to the moments when you would ask yourself questions and find yourself answering your own question. Thoughts after thoughts, one opposing the other. And your heart is listening. Then it would make a choice, hopefully one that is favorable and would produce good result.

After several minutes of climbing the steep steps, we came to the easier stairways which allowed us to breath and take pictures. From the top you'll see the wonderful mountains. And since it's September, the trees are blooming with green leaves in the midst of the early Autumn season.

We arrived at a watchtower, took photos, chit-chatted, laughed...then went on. Several watchtowers later, I was surprised to find a vendor with her makeshift shop selling Great Wall souvenir items - shirts, pens, sculpted items, notebooks and some other artworks.

Just before another watchtower, we reckoned that it's time to go back. Our guide told us to be back by 12 for lunch. Climbing the wall was taxing, so the thought of food made us aggreable.

I reconnoitered the place one more time and thought of the many Chinese who died building the wall. It's an estimate of 2-3 million men for the centuries-long project. Out of these millions, did one of them realize that the work of their hands would one day become the world's great wonder? Or was there one who figured out that what they're working for could soon be the earth's sole visible item seen in a human eye from the moon?

I guess no one expected that. The goal was to protect outside invasions and attacks.

And a thought came to me, it's about the legacy that outlives us. We see our lives in a short-sighted state. We see only what's here now. But what we are doing in the present would live for the future. For now we would think that we are doing a small part for humanity, sometimes we even feel so useless; when in the grand scheme, the works of our hands may live for the generations to come.

My sentimental self nudged at me, amidst the laughter of my friends, and the many poses we rendered with the Great Wall as the background.

It could have been a completely amazing experience...until comes lunch. Our tour includes lunch so, after climbing the wall one is starving and not to mention, quite irritable (well, I do get irritable when I'm hungry). Can you believe we have to go to this Jade Shop first before lunch when it's already 1:30? I was about to explode when the tour guide gave us the favor to eat and directed us to the 3rd floor of the building where the Jade Shop is.

What followed was the worst, yes, the worst, lunch in my whole stay in China.

Dry rice, welting, so unfresh cucumbers and some other veggies (no meat or fish on it), one plate of fish that had a funny aftertaste, there was another welting cabbage, and others that I could not remember cos I never tasted them in the first place. One look at them and you'll know that they are severely beaten and funnily cooked, for lack of a better term.

Seated on our lunch table were 9 people, including me and my three friends. All were silent while eating, a bit sad, or disappointed, or tired perhaps.

My inner volcano was about to erupt. Then I realize that I have no choice. I could complain to the tour guide and she would only give me a sheepish smile because she could not understand English. I could complain to the staff at this noisy, crowded and dirty restaurant, and they will just glare at me like I'm doomed. By the way, my friend was still eating when the staff came and pick up the plates from our table and toss it to their cleaning carts. So rude.

I did mention that we joined the Chinese tour group, right? The foreign tour group had a different restaurant. Much better than what we had, and I would conclude that they have had better food as well.

Ah, China!

(to be continued)

the Beijing experience, and some randoms (part 1)

2008-09-21T22:25:00.014+08:00

Have been telling myself to update my blog but something always gets in the way. I admit I no longer have the passion for blogs the way I had before when my multiply was so alive and kicking it felt like I have something to write everyday. But of course things were different back then...and now is what I have to deal with.

Anyway, lots of things have been going on in this sweet (and sour? nah!) life of mine. Last week, I and three of my friends went to Beijing. Yes, Beijing - the capital of China, where the 2008 Olympics was held, and the Paralympics as well.

I remember many years ago, my father's boss gave him a calendar made of cloth with the painting of the Great Wall on it. And since it was made of cloth, it survived for a long time. It was hanged on our sala for many years...

And I never thought that one day I will be able to see not just the bigger painting, but the real one...the Great Wall with all its wonder.

I remember telling a friend once that I wish I know what the future holds. "Don't even think about it cos if you do, you'll go crazy!" he said. He was funny in many ways but he said those words seriously. And I do agree with him.

Who could have known that I will one day live in China? Or that one day I'll be a teacher surrounded with Chinese students. I mean, I did not even thought that one day I'll step into the Ice and Snow World in Harbin when months before that I was just gawking at the pics of it from the internet.

You'll never really know what life throws at you. And I am glad that I only have the present to live and the future is like one big wrapping paper to another.

And so, in Beijing, 99 percent of the time we used the buses and subway to get us around. In that way, we had the experience to live like Beijingers do - rubbing elbows inside buses and subways, jerking and holding tight at the steel bars every time the engine machine screeches, and asking around at the many times we lost ourselves in that big city.

We stayed in Liang Cheng Hotel in Qianmen Lu, a stones throw away from Tian'anmen Square and The Forbidden City. The Paralympics was ongoing the whole time we were there (Sept. 13-15) so you could just imagine the many travelers - local and international - roaming around the Beijing streets. Across the street, opposite side of our hotel, was a very

busy street with probably a hundred small shops where you can do a lot of bargaining.

What got me really excited though was the Silk Street, one bus ride away from the hotel. The place is made especially for foreigners and so the vendors know how to speak many languages - English, Russians, etc. And they know how to charm shoppers. One time, I was looking at a black sleeveless dress, and the vendor, sensing my interest, casted her spell (or spill) on me. The conversation goes like this:

Vendor: Hello, beautiful girl. Do you like this?
Me: Yes, it's nice!
Vendor: It's only 480 RMB
Me: Oh no, that's so expensive!
Vendor: Okay, how much you like?
Me: 50?
Vendor: Oh, beautiful girl, you're killing me!
Me: I'm not, believe me.
Vendor: Okay, 200.
Me: Hmmmm, 50!
Vendor: Stop that, beautiful girl. Give me a real price!
Me: 50 is a real price.
Vendor: Ahhh, you're really killing me. Come here! (grabs my elbow and
whispers in my right ear ---- "Don't tell your friends, I'm giving it to you for
120...that's the best price.")
Me: Hahhaha, you're so nice. But there are many shops here, I'm gonna go
and look and I'll go back here to buy that stuff.
Vendor: No, beautiful girl...buy it now. It's very cheap! (She grabs my
elbow again, this time it's quite tight)
Me: I'll be back. (Tries to pull myself from her grip, its getting
painful)
Vendor: No, buy now! Buy now!
Me: I'll be back (I had the serious look which reads "This is not
funny!")

And the vendor let go of me but still tried to convince me. She was on her way to reach out to me, probably to grip me once again. It was almost like I heard a buzz on my brain that sounded like "caution, caution!". Before her hand landed on my arm, I was already far from her.

I ran away from her like crazy. I guess I overdid it cos some people glanced at me with a horror-look on their faces.

Is that funny, or what?

(to be continued)

Note: First pic on this post was on Qianmen Lu, while the second pic was with friends outside Silk Street/Pearl Market, from left: me with Bonie, Joy and Ren.

night song

2008-09-08T02:16:00.006+08:00

The night sings
of its silence
and here I am
listening to its song

Sing to me
of that distinct sound
that lures
the dawn to come

Sing to me
of certainties,
of hope, of goodness
of love

Sing to me,
let me fathom
your rhythm,
your language, your mystery

Sing, o night
charm this shadowy heart
by your grace
by your song

acperez.sept8,2008

nugget of the week

2008-09-05T22:06:00.011+08:00

For some years now, I am one of those that are blessed by receiving author John Mason's Nugget of the Week by e-mail. These nuggets are features lifted from his books like: You Are Born An Original, Don't Die A Copy, An Enemy Called the Average, and Taming An Enemy Called The Average, to name a few.

This morning, I received another nugget and was once again blessed. It's worth reading, and meditating, until the very end of the article. What's even more touching is that in the article, my name was really in it.

God never fails to amaze me by using things, like an email, to greet my day. And thank God, for John Mason!

To: Ann Catherine
From: God
Date: Today
Re: What I Think About
You

I want to tell you that I have known you since before
the foundations of time. I even know the hairs on your head. I put you
together on purpose for a purpose. I looked at you and saw that you were
fearfully and wonderfully made. I even created you in my image.

I
know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans
to give you a hope and a future.

I also gave you gifts to prepare
and equip you for the plans I have for you. These gifts I've given are
irrevocable. Don't neglect them. Exercise them and stir them
up!

Ann Catherine, I want you to be confident about this: When I
begin a good work in you I will carry it on to completion until the day of
Christ Jesus.

Although you may encounter tribulations in this
world, I want you to know that in me you have peace. Be of good cheer. I
have overcome the world.

I am not slack concerning my promises.
Forever my Word is settled in heaven and my faithfulness to all generations.
When I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; When I have purposed it, I
will also do it.

You can look to me as a refuge and strength, a
very present help in trouble. Cast your burdens upon me and I will sustain you.
I shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Come unto me when you labor and
are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. For I am your rock, your fortress,
your deliverer, your strength in whom you can trust. Though you fall you shall
not be utterly cast down, for I will uphold you with my hand.

Don't
listen to the ungodly, don't stand with sinners, and don't sit with the
scornful. But rather delight yourself all day long in my Word. If you do, you
will be like a tree planted by the river. You will bring forth fruit in season
and whatever you do will prosper.

Finally, Ann Catherine, I want
you to know I love you. I love you so much I gave my only begotten Son. When you
believe in Him, you will not die but have healing, freedom, victory,
forgiveness, and eternal life!

spiritual clincher

2008-09-02T23:40:00.005+08:00

Today's insight of Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for His Highest", (a devotional that is both deep and powerful and is my daily read since 2003) is a spiritual clincher:

"God's purpose is not simply to make us beautiful, plump grapes, but to
make us grapes so that He may squeeze the sweetness out of us."

korean lunch-ing

2008-09-01T22:15:00.007+08:00

So me and my former student, Faraway, went to a Korean restaurant just outside the students dormitory...and this was what I ordered.

Too bad, I never took down the name of this food. It was a big plate with rice, pork steak with a special kind of sauce, and veggie salad...all for only 16RMB!

Yummy!

something worthwhile

2008-09-01T21:15:00.008+08:00

Students preparing for my class

Room 204 where I hold my classes. Each student would have their own individual computer...and I have two!

So today was the first day of class in my second year of teaching in Tianjin University of Finance and Economics, Pearl River College.

And I guess I'm used to it.

I'm used to students with different levels of English, students who are too shy they can't even open their mouths, students whose faces are totally p-o-k-e-r, students who smile even without any reason at all, students who seem to flirt (this goes for the guys, good grief) and students who seemed to have this invisible question mark right above their heads.

But even with these, I see faces that are open to learn. Faces that show interest at what I shared. Faces that are friendly and respectful. Faces that could get there with perpetual encouragement and motivation.

Believe me, even with the rough edges that comes along as I teach, the fulfillment always outshines the negativity.

I don't know what these students will become one day. I don't have a clue where life will lead them, but I wished that they learned something from me and even if I'm gone and no longer teaching in this university, I have passed to them something that is worthwhile.

fresh start

2008-08-31T22:27:00.010+08:00

With friends at Bo's Coffee in I.T Park the night before my flight to Beijing. Clockwise from left: Cynthia, my sister Maricar (standing), Daisy, Carol, Phoebe, David, your very own, David and his twin brother Pax.

Party of 5

Thank God blogger is now accessible here in China! Whoah!

I just had an amazing vacation in the Philippines with my family and friends. I could not believe time is running soooo fast. As I'm tapping these lines, I'm also thinking of what to do tomorrow as the start of another semester in the university opens up - the Tianjin University of Finance and Economics.

The vacation I had in the Philippines was with so much mixed emotions. The week I arrived, I was very excited to meet family and friends, and then some weeks after I got kinda bored at home as my friends are in their offices and schools, and then the last week, for some reason, I wished I have more time in my hands.

But well, life moves on.

This morning, I met my friends here in Tianjin. I was so glad to be back, and also saw new faces that I'm sure will be nice friends.

It made me realize how beautiful this world is because of people. And I am thankful that God is faithful in meeting me wherever I am.

And so...this is another fresh start.

And a new blog, new site!